Even in Our Sleep

Last night, I had a terrible nightmare, full of things that were dear to me and were being demolished, killed, and ruined.

I woke up, sucking in breath violently, lifting my head off the pillow, convinced my nice life was forever gone, that I was in the same terrible place I'd dreamed. (Mostly because I can't fathom how my mind considers these things at night.)

The green glow from the alarm clock caught my eye. 4:05 a.m. My heart still racing, despite this reminder of all things normal. I hear Molly snoring on the floor beside the bed. Normal normal. I lay back on the pillow. Calm down, calm down, I keep thinking. It wasn't real.

William rolls toward me, slides his arm around me. I don't think he's awake. He just senses it. My heart's still racing. But in this silent conversation, I agree with him. It's all normal. Just go back to sleep.

8 Days

Sunday morning, 7 a.m. My usual M.O. would be to sleep another three or so hours, maybe lounge around with coffee and the Sunday paper (read: the Target ad), and maybe shower around 1 or 2, with some light cleaning in between. No need to get ambitious on a Sunday, in my mind.

But let me tell you something: I was up at 7:54 this morning. I find this utterly obscene. Just illegal.

I am so tired. I don't know how to drive that point home. My eyes burn, my stomach hurts, my limbs feel like lead many times throughout the day. Then I lie down in bed, and. . . nothing. Eyes wide open. Sometimes I fall asleep right away and as I am sinking, sinking, sinking (ahhhh yes, sweet sleep), I think to myself "Tonight's the night. Full night's rest, dude." And then around, oh, 2 a.m., there I am, wide awake. And then again, maybe around 5 a.m. And then, up for good around 8.

I have tried all manner of things; wearing myself out physically, thinking about sleep, all my usual tricks that usually lull me to slumber every night have failed. Yesterday we went to Art-a-Whirl, typically one of my favorite things to do each year, and I was SO TIRED. I barely spoke the whole day (although I enjoyed it). My brain is simply too deprived to talk about art. (Example: I thought a painting of a tornado was a photograph of a closeup of a grapefruit. After that, no talky-talky.)

I don't know what is going on with me, but I just might go crazy if I don't get some shut-eye soon. For reals.

This morning, William is driving his parents to the airport. The AIRPORT. We are getting to this point now. People are going, they are leaving on the airplane to take their Hawaiian vacation. We leave in FOUR DAYS. In eight, we will be married.

I guess I am like that kid in the Disneyland commercial: I'm too excited to sleep!

That's about all I can figure.

Wake me up before you go-go

I think it's pretty well documented that I am not a morning person. I blame this squarely on a combo of my parents' night-owl genes (neither of them are much for mornings, or weren't) and thyroid disease. Once I developed thyroid disease, my sleep was never the same. I often feel tired, and when I hit the pillow, I'm down for the count. I rarely remember my dreams.

But I think the anticipation of this wedding has taken a fierce hold. I often feel pumped with adrenaline, wanting to be productive, wondering what I can conquer next. In the mornings, the alarm goes off for William, and trained like a cube prisoner that I was, I roll over and hit the sleep button. He always gets out of bed before the second alarm goes off, but I never realize it. I roll over to tell him to get up with the second alarm, only to find a rumpled mass of covers and the hear the sound of the shower running. I often doze while he gets ready, but he wakes me before he leaves, gently chiding me, "Wake up, love. Time to make the big bucks!" While my body-clock MO feels like I could sleep for hours more, once he closes and locks are door, all sleep bets are off. I'm usually out of bed 10 minutes later and planning my day. I can remember dreams, laced with anxiety: books I forgot to bring to class, running late for the ceremony, not getting my sandals in time.

Two Saturdays ago, I had a shower thrown in my honor at my future mother-in-law's home. It was so lovely. As soon as I get photos, I will post more details. I set my alarm that morning to make sure I'd be up early enough to get ready and not be rushed.I didn't need the alarm. I think I was bleary-eyed but awake around 7 am. I laid there for a while but eventually the butterflies propelled me out of bed. The following Saturday was a little more subdued and both William and I slept in til 11—super late for us these days. It felt heavenly. that might be my last sleeping-in until after the wedding.

Sunday I had my bridal shower thrown by my two best girls, Cindy and Sooz. Ding! Awake at like 8. This is just not ME, people. (Again, more shower details when I get photos). I was over there an hour early, just hanging around at my sister's house, because well, I was driving myself crazy at home. I was nervous. I never used to mind attention, but the older I get, the more I'd like to just show up at the party, and enjoy it, than be the guest of honor. Not that I don't appreciate the effort—I really and truly do, and they did an amazing job. There's just a lot of pressure, being that person.

Freelance work is also keeping me busy and creating a certain amount of anxiety—to get it all done in time, to have it done well, to hit the deadlines, to keep myself focused. Since I have been busy with invites and guest lists and rental stuff for the backyard, it makes it even harder. And with boxes lying around with shiny new appliances and electrics and nesting bowls and everything else, I couldn't even concentrate yesterday. I have another two or three freelance jobs lined up. They aren't glamorous but they are good and steady and a paycheck and a way to support myself a little while longer. I also had a big opportunity come through for some regular freelance work that I am pretty excited about, so we'll see how that goes. I'll keep you posted.

So today, after all that sleep talk—I'm exhausted. I can't seem to wake up from the dream-sludge state, despite my invigorating shower and grapefruit aromatherapy and tea and everything else. Again, this morning, as soon as I heard William's voice—I was up, even though we were up until midnight planning the backyard layout for the reception and talking budget for the wedding. I was so keyed up when we went to bed, I had to read to calm down. In the words of Penny Lane from Almost Famous—it's all happening. And I don't want to waste time sleeping, in case I miss it all.

maui, take me away

i'm sort of at a loss tonight for a blog. i've been gone all night, again, and i have a flurry of thoughts i'm just not able to articulate at this exact moment. i've also been going to bed waaaay too late this week, unable to wind down, and it is making getting up in the morning pure torture.
i did want to comment on something nanette said (can i use her any more in this blog? you'd think she was paying me or something. it turns out i just enjoy her blog), though, which is that you probably wonder how i could possibly be an editor without ever using capital letters, or, even being creative very often. i'm still working on that transition between working-writing and home-writing, and i find not editing myself so much to be extremely liberating. plus i hate the shift key. as it turns out, i have crazy attention-to-detail skills when i feel like (or am being paid) to use them. (*i freelance, people, and i guarantee results*). hey, i have won spelling bees!
i'm so glad it's wednesday. this week is going ridiculously slowly. must. get. to. weekend.
wedding updates: we have booked our flight! we are getting married in hawaii and we have transportation there! six and a half months. that is coming up fast, when you consider december will fly by with holidays, work schedules, and my lovely kilipino coming home to visit from paraguay-land. we should really get going on registering, sending save-the-dates, and the like. like, really really.
;)

i'm sooooo sick of rain

seriously. it has been raining for what feels like an eternity. it makes it hard to be motivated or fun or creative or interesting. all i seem to think about is sleeping, sweat pants, and movies. today i looked at hawaii pictures on the internet to get some sunshine in my life.
i think i have discussed what a not-morning person i am before. well, i'm now sharing that quality with the dog. so, last weekend we took mo to get groomed. i asked them very specifically to leave a little fur on her, even if it meant she needs to get groomed more often. i don't like having her shaved and it's starting to feel like fall, so she might appreciate some coatage. i thought we were on the same page, so i left mo, shaking like a little leaf, in the care of the groomer. i picked her up three hours later, and it was like she was a different dog. she's shaved. totally. barely a fuzz. no curls at all. and she's been shivering for a week. since then, she has been sleeping in bed with us all night. before this, her m.o. was to hang out for about 15 minutes and then get down and sleep on the floor or couch. now she's been glued to my side all night long. so this morning the alarm goes off, and i snooze it, of course. two snoozes later, though, it's time to get up, like NOW, because it's already one more snooze than i should have done, and it's practically NIGHTTIME out still but ok, ok, already. i look at molly, and ask quietly "go outside?" which usually wakes her up immediately and she makes a break for the door. not this morning. she barely opened her eyes, flopped her head back down, and snuggled in more tightly (if that was possible).
now that's my girl!

R.E.M.

you know what i love?
SLEEPING! FOR TWELVE STRAIGHT HOURS!
that felt so good. i can't even tell you. i feel like i could go back to sleep, still, but i feel much better than yesterday. i was in bed by 11, and i just woke up a litlte while ago. william must have gone for a bike ride, so it has been blissfully silent around here.
ah, to be surrounded by pillows, blankets, and hazy sleep, with a dog that makes me feel like "hey, it's ok to sleep the day away." (while my overachieving fiance is out riding around and getting in shape, ha.)
mmmmmm, sleep.

so tired

hi kids.
crazy working continues--i got home at 7 am today, after working since 830 the morning before. typing this is actually quite difficult. sleep is such a good, good, good thing. molly's here to help show me the way.
that's all for now.

i'm still standin'

hi there. here i am. i'm still real tired. i slept yesterday from 6 a.m. to 1 p.m., hten didn't move off the couch all day, then went to bed at 9 am. and still felt cheated on sleep. i really hope i get my half day tomorrow, i have a feeling that i will still be tired tomorrow. its' already almost 10 and i should be in bed already since i have had no sleep. one more week of craziness (although nothing as crazy as this week), and then i'll be done.
my summer is going waaaaay too fast. which makes me a little sad in my heart.
ok. must go to bed. real tired. sleeeeep.