now that i'm entering life with another person, legally, it has changed my thinking some on the future. when i think about three years from now, i think about where william and i will be, not where 'just i' will be. i think about how those decisions might impact our relationship and our goals. i think about whether we will have enough money for a house-house, if we will have enough money and time and energy for children, if we will both be getting everything out of our careers we'd hoped, by the time we're 30.
after i graduated from college, i got a job in my field almost immediately--i was lucky. it was a rollercoaster year, where i was put in charge of a weekly city newspaper, when i hadn't even attended a city council meeting before. i was essentially thrown to the wolves on my first day (a fifteen-hour shift, ended with hysterical crying and vowing to never go back). i went back, though. and i made some lovely, lovely friends there, too. it was the beginning of my adult life. since then i've made lots of professional and personal leaps and bounds. i dated a disaster for women, i stood up for myself, i started a new job, i watched my family go through family ups and downs, i watched my friends grow and change, i fell in love.
now i'm five years (oh, how it pains me to say that number) into my career. i start thinking about all the places i want to travel, the things i want to write, or where i thought i'd be by now. i'd definitely say an overall assessment has me at meeting and even exceeding those goals, but now that i'm there, i'm not sure what my next steps are. and now we'll be making those steps together. the goals aren't quite as clear and require some kind of consensus. i keep getting told that the older you get, the more complex life gets, and the harder it can get to make changes. i've never been a person who makes changes easily (although i'm always thinking about how it will be better later, a pattern i'm trying to change). in fact, i usually go kicking and screaming into the next phase of my life, whatever aspect it happens to be, and then feel like a fool in retrospect. i eat a lot of crow.
i'm back to that saturn return feeling. i think i've posted about it before. a mix of these positive and negatives, ups and downs, goods and bads, and big life markers. milestones.
but it's difficult to know what the next milestones are, past the wedding. how to set future goals. and many times i feel like a teenager in an adult's life. until i was about 23, i knew exactly everything i wanted (good thing i didn't get it all, some of the surprises were SO worth it). i was ready and willing to work my butt off to be there. i'm still ready and willing. i'm just not always sure where 'there' is anymore. i'm lucky i have someone to take those next steps with me. at least i'll have someone holding my hand.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
blur
it has been a whirlwind week or so.
this weekend we finished one registry--woo hoo!
went shopping for bands. i think we found 'em. haven't bought yet.
reading a very good book--called infidel. need to finish!
was 40 degrees today. tomorrow is supposed to be FIFTY degrees colder. and it rained. awesome. ice everywhere i bet.
intermittent stomachaches. boo.
much tired. must rest.
this weekend we finished one registry--woo hoo!
went shopping for bands. i think we found 'em. haven't bought yet.
reading a very good book--called infidel. need to finish!
was 40 degrees today. tomorrow is supposed to be FIFTY degrees colder. and it rained. awesome. ice everywhere i bet.
intermittent stomachaches. boo.
much tired. must rest.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
falling over you
so, let me set the scene:
i am wearing my favoritist pink dress coat, the single-breasted one with cabbage roses printed on the lining, the one that gets me muy compliments wherever I go, the one that makes me feel pretty. i am also wearing a slate-ish blue bridesmaid dress, purposely hemmed to the floor. it's strapless and has a fairly big, swishy skirt. underneath my dress (i know, this is getting interesting, right?) i'm wearing mary jane tennis shoes from sketchers and knee-high stirrup softball socks (i know, may-juh letdown). i have on my ginormous mittens, which are brown leather on the outside and sheepskin on the inside (so warm, you wouldn't believe). i'm scooting along, fast as i can, becasue despite my socks—which were a wardrobe requirement for my sporty friends who had just married—it's frostbite city outside. it's about 30 below with the windchill, and the wind is blowing. william is behind me about twenty feet, carrying a big heavy bag which contains (but doesn't contain very well) our wedding present for the couple. he's carrying in from the bottom, becuase the present was so heavy, the handles broke long ago. we're about a half block from the reception site. i can feel my satin skirt getting icy, rapidly.
a gust of wind blows, and william says, fairly panicked, "babe! the tissue paper!"
i whip around, to see all the tissue paper he packed into the bag, blowing over his head, obscuring his face and floating behind him. as i whip around, my skirt wraps around my legs. because of the tone of his voice, i overestimated the importance of this incident.
against my better judgment, i take about two steps, at which point i realize: you should not have done that. and i know, without a doubt, i am falling down. but you know, there's this weird involuntary brain thing that happens when you are about to fall down, in which you know, your body will do anything to keep you upright. so i take at least three awkwardly huge steps, pounding each one harder, before i sail to the ground. sail is actually far too graceful a word. although william says from his vantage point, i looked like a ball player, diving for home plate, with stirrup socks clearly visible.
and i slid. do you know how i remember?
my coat. my coat is covered in dirt. gross parking lot frozen-over mud puddle and exhaust-frosted dirt. i can tell my arms were slightly bent when i hit the pavement because it's painted on where the wrinkles come up around the elbows. also because my left arm has been hurting ever since. i can now raise it above my head, but it is almost wednesday.
i don't know if pink coat is going to make it. we'll see what the dry cleaner has to say. otherwise i might be in the market for a new coat.
surprisingly i only have two bruises, one on my elbow and an ugly one on my knee. you'd think i'd have more, considering sometimes i bruise just glancing off the coffee table.
let me tell you, i laughed like hell. falling down is one of the funniest things ever to me, as long as everyone survives without broken bones. but i won't lie, my first instinct is to laugh. every time, unless it's an elderly person. i could not stop laughing. i popped up quickly, according to william. and he said, not unlike his first comment, "babe! it's ONLY tissue paper!" he asked if i was okay, but i couldn't even respond due to my laughter and trying to continue to scoot inside. once i was moving again, i noticed my skirt was scuffed up! people kept trying to brush it off all night, but no, i took the color off it.
no, i had not been drinking yet.
it didn't hurt me too much on the dance floor.
me and bride:
ostensibly laughing about falling yet again:
i am wearing my favoritist pink dress coat, the single-breasted one with cabbage roses printed on the lining, the one that gets me muy compliments wherever I go, the one that makes me feel pretty. i am also wearing a slate-ish blue bridesmaid dress, purposely hemmed to the floor. it's strapless and has a fairly big, swishy skirt. underneath my dress (i know, this is getting interesting, right?) i'm wearing mary jane tennis shoes from sketchers and knee-high stirrup softball socks (i know, may-juh letdown). i have on my ginormous mittens, which are brown leather on the outside and sheepskin on the inside (so warm, you wouldn't believe). i'm scooting along, fast as i can, becasue despite my socks—which were a wardrobe requirement for my sporty friends who had just married—it's frostbite city outside. it's about 30 below with the windchill, and the wind is blowing. william is behind me about twenty feet, carrying a big heavy bag which contains (but doesn't contain very well) our wedding present for the couple. he's carrying in from the bottom, becuase the present was so heavy, the handles broke long ago. we're about a half block from the reception site. i can feel my satin skirt getting icy, rapidly.
a gust of wind blows, and william says, fairly panicked, "babe! the tissue paper!"
i whip around, to see all the tissue paper he packed into the bag, blowing over his head, obscuring his face and floating behind him. as i whip around, my skirt wraps around my legs. because of the tone of his voice, i overestimated the importance of this incident.
against my better judgment, i take about two steps, at which point i realize: you should not have done that. and i know, without a doubt, i am falling down. but you know, there's this weird involuntary brain thing that happens when you are about to fall down, in which you know, your body will do anything to keep you upright. so i take at least three awkwardly huge steps, pounding each one harder, before i sail to the ground. sail is actually far too graceful a word. although william says from his vantage point, i looked like a ball player, diving for home plate, with stirrup socks clearly visible.
and i slid. do you know how i remember?
my coat. my coat is covered in dirt. gross parking lot frozen-over mud puddle and exhaust-frosted dirt. i can tell my arms were slightly bent when i hit the pavement because it's painted on where the wrinkles come up around the elbows. also because my left arm has been hurting ever since. i can now raise it above my head, but it is almost wednesday.
i don't know if pink coat is going to make it. we'll see what the dry cleaner has to say. otherwise i might be in the market for a new coat.
surprisingly i only have two bruises, one on my elbow and an ugly one on my knee. you'd think i'd have more, considering sometimes i bruise just glancing off the coffee table.
let me tell you, i laughed like hell. falling down is one of the funniest things ever to me, as long as everyone survives without broken bones. but i won't lie, my first instinct is to laugh. every time, unless it's an elderly person. i could not stop laughing. i popped up quickly, according to william. and he said, not unlike his first comment, "babe! it's ONLY tissue paper!" he asked if i was okay, but i couldn't even respond due to my laughter and trying to continue to scoot inside. once i was moving again, i noticed my skirt was scuffed up! people kept trying to brush it off all night, but no, i took the color off it.
no, i had not been drinking yet.
it didn't hurt me too much on the dance floor.
me and bride:
ostensibly laughing about falling yet again:
Monday, January 21, 2008
tomorrow
i'm real, real, real tired. for real.
last week and weekend kicked my butt.
but i'm alive. and i have a funny story about falling down.
so when i can type more thn like 20 words a minute (this took a long time and a lot of backspacing) i'll update.
tomorrow, tomorrow, i'll love ya, tomorrow. it's only a day away!
last week and weekend kicked my butt.
but i'm alive. and i have a funny story about falling down.
so when i can type more thn like 20 words a minute (this took a long time and a lot of backspacing) i'll update.
tomorrow, tomorrow, i'll love ya, tomorrow. it's only a day away!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
special topics in chaotic schedules
i have to keep this short. i have two back to back all-day meetings tomorrow and thursday and i'm wiped out.
people are already getting our save the dates! we just sent them yesterday at lunch! i'm amazed by this. crap! our website we tout on the card isn't ready yet!
oh well.....
so you probably won't hear much from me over the next couple days ... back to back meetings, major deadlines (read: late hours), a rehearsal dinner, errands to run, a wedding to be in on saturday, when it's supposed to be 35 below.... i'm wearing cuddl duds under my dress i think!
i can't wait. i'm so excited to be in the wedding .... william is a groomsman too, so we get a practice walk down the aisle!
people are already getting our save the dates! we just sent them yesterday at lunch! i'm amazed by this. crap! our website we tout on the card isn't ready yet!
oh well.....
so you probably won't hear much from me over the next couple days ... back to back meetings, major deadlines (read: late hours), a rehearsal dinner, errands to run, a wedding to be in on saturday, when it's supposed to be 35 below.... i'm wearing cuddl duds under my dress i think!
i can't wait. i'm so excited to be in the wedding .... william is a groomsman too, so we get a practice walk down the aisle!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
morning
this morning, when i woke up, i rolled over, opened my eyes, and saw william looking straight at me. (he was probably willing me to wake up with his eyes.)
i have no idea what i looked like, although i imagine it was bleary-eyed and probably squinchy-faced.
he smiled at me. i maybe tenatively smiled back.
he said: "I love you. I love you so much I'm marrying you. I love you!"
we're getting married. it's getting more and more real as the time passes. which is normal i suppose.
we finished our save the dates for the most part. just a few stragglers left that i'm getting addresses for or some little detail for. but they're going out this week.
when we finished printing, addressing, stuffing, sealing. . . william said "well, it's real now! no going back!"
not every day is easy or perfect or sometimes even peaceful.
but most mornings, i wake up, and william is smiling at me. and we go to bed, and he tells me he loves me. i say it back, of course.
sometimes my heart just wants to explode.
he loves me even when i'm horrible and ugly in the morning.
*************
saw juno this weekend. laughed and bawled. loved it. had a VERY real dream that iw as pregnant that night. i got bigger as the dream went on, i broke the news to people, one of my best friends told me she would throw me a shower. i was nervous but happy. it's weird that i'm getting to a point where this could actually happen. it won't anytime soon, but it could. and that's weird. growing up.
**************
i actually had a rather romantic weekend with william. we went on a date on friday! dinner and a movie. went to great waters brewing company for burgers and beers--both were good. they are a microbrew downtown. we walked, and it was warmish outside, but flakes were falling. we don't live in our neighborhood enough; i was glad to walk somewhere, have dinner at a local joint, walk back. hearing the crunch-squeak-crunch under our feet, praying not to slip, flakes hitting our eyelashes, steamy breath in the air. it was just. nice.
****************
saturday was the save the dates extravaganza. i'm lucky william likes to be so involved with wedding planning. then no one has to feel put-upon to help me. they can just enjoy the festivities. he is also designing our invites, although the time we poured into the save-the-dates definitely convinced hiim that hiring out the job was far preferable than doing those. i am dying for letterpress invites; i'm obsessed with letterpress. i wish i had my own press!
******************
i have been doing more thinking about this new year's resolutions thing. i have done a little, but not enough, exercising. i took a fairly significant amount of money from my bonus at christmas to put toward my debt.
but i think the other resolution i should work on is being more in the moment. celebrating more good things. so often i let myself get preoccupied with the "little stuff". i should be done with that. after all, it's really bad for your health. seriously. too much cortisol in your body, too much anxiety...and for what? i won't worry less, but i'm going to try. or at least enjoy the hell out of the other stuff so that it far outweighs my stupid little worries.
*******************
the budget bride continues. today i nabbed what i think will be my wedding clutch. it's hot pink! and has a big bow on it! it's from the hollywould collection that was at target. it was originally $19.99, but i even balked at that, and ended up getting it on clearance for $9.99 this morning. i'm kinda proud of our budget wedding. we'll splurge on some things, of course--we are going to hawaii after all--but other things we've managed to keep costs really reasonable. and get most, if not all, the things we've wanted so far. my two bridesmaids dresses and mine added together total less than $225. total. for all three dresses. and they were all $250 or $500 dresses. we did our own save-the-dates. we will get a good deal on our invites. so far, everything has been fairly manageable. one thing we're doing on our honeymoon, and subsequently part of the reason we did small, small birthdays and christmas this year, is that we're going to take a helicopter ride through the grand canyon of the pacific on kauai. but i was looking on line and found a great deal if you pre-book. it was much more reasonable than i thought . . . for an hour of helicopter ride. my only hope is that i don't freak. i don't like flying. actually it scares the shit out of me, and i usually xanax up for flights. but i can't do that for this! maybe a glass of wine or a half a benedryl or something. . . .or maybe i'll suck it up and maybe it will be so awesome i'll never take a xanax again.
***************************
went shopping today. found the greatest pair of heels. i am in so love. will take photo. i owe a lot of photos, i realize. went with my girlfriends. it seems like it gets harder to carve out time for friends, but i seriously cherish the time we have together. we laugh, we shop, we talk. the talking's my favorite part. even when i find in-love-with-them heels. and i seriously respect their opinions.
wow! this is a long one, so i'm signing off.
i have no idea what i looked like, although i imagine it was bleary-eyed and probably squinchy-faced.
he smiled at me. i maybe tenatively smiled back.
he said: "I love you. I love you so much I'm marrying you. I love you!"
we're getting married. it's getting more and more real as the time passes. which is normal i suppose.
we finished our save the dates for the most part. just a few stragglers left that i'm getting addresses for or some little detail for. but they're going out this week.
when we finished printing, addressing, stuffing, sealing. . . william said "well, it's real now! no going back!"
not every day is easy or perfect or sometimes even peaceful.
but most mornings, i wake up, and william is smiling at me. and we go to bed, and he tells me he loves me. i say it back, of course.
sometimes my heart just wants to explode.
he loves me even when i'm horrible and ugly in the morning.
*************
saw juno this weekend. laughed and bawled. loved it. had a VERY real dream that iw as pregnant that night. i got bigger as the dream went on, i broke the news to people, one of my best friends told me she would throw me a shower. i was nervous but happy. it's weird that i'm getting to a point where this could actually happen. it won't anytime soon, but it could. and that's weird. growing up.
**************
i actually had a rather romantic weekend with william. we went on a date on friday! dinner and a movie. went to great waters brewing company for burgers and beers--both were good. they are a microbrew downtown. we walked, and it was warmish outside, but flakes were falling. we don't live in our neighborhood enough; i was glad to walk somewhere, have dinner at a local joint, walk back. hearing the crunch-squeak-crunch under our feet, praying not to slip, flakes hitting our eyelashes, steamy breath in the air. it was just. nice.
****************
saturday was the save the dates extravaganza. i'm lucky william likes to be so involved with wedding planning. then no one has to feel put-upon to help me. they can just enjoy the festivities. he is also designing our invites, although the time we poured into the save-the-dates definitely convinced hiim that hiring out the job was far preferable than doing those. i am dying for letterpress invites; i'm obsessed with letterpress. i wish i had my own press!
******************
i have been doing more thinking about this new year's resolutions thing. i have done a little, but not enough, exercising. i took a fairly significant amount of money from my bonus at christmas to put toward my debt.
but i think the other resolution i should work on is being more in the moment. celebrating more good things. so often i let myself get preoccupied with the "little stuff". i should be done with that. after all, it's really bad for your health. seriously. too much cortisol in your body, too much anxiety...and for what? i won't worry less, but i'm going to try. or at least enjoy the hell out of the other stuff so that it far outweighs my stupid little worries.
*******************
the budget bride continues. today i nabbed what i think will be my wedding clutch. it's hot pink! and has a big bow on it! it's from the hollywould collection that was at target. it was originally $19.99, but i even balked at that, and ended up getting it on clearance for $9.99 this morning. i'm kinda proud of our budget wedding. we'll splurge on some things, of course--we are going to hawaii after all--but other things we've managed to keep costs really reasonable. and get most, if not all, the things we've wanted so far. my two bridesmaids dresses and mine added together total less than $225. total. for all three dresses. and they were all $250 or $500 dresses. we did our own save-the-dates. we will get a good deal on our invites. so far, everything has been fairly manageable. one thing we're doing on our honeymoon, and subsequently part of the reason we did small, small birthdays and christmas this year, is that we're going to take a helicopter ride through the grand canyon of the pacific on kauai. but i was looking on line and found a great deal if you pre-book. it was much more reasonable than i thought . . . for an hour of helicopter ride. my only hope is that i don't freak. i don't like flying. actually it scares the shit out of me, and i usually xanax up for flights. but i can't do that for this! maybe a glass of wine or a half a benedryl or something. . . .or maybe i'll suck it up and maybe it will be so awesome i'll never take a xanax again.
***************************
went shopping today. found the greatest pair of heels. i am in so love. will take photo. i owe a lot of photos, i realize. went with my girlfriends. it seems like it gets harder to carve out time for friends, but i seriously cherish the time we have together. we laugh, we shop, we talk. the talking's my favorite part. even when i find in-love-with-them heels. and i seriously respect their opinions.
wow! this is a long one, so i'm signing off.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
de-lovely
So, it's delurking week.
I know that I have not been the most fascinating blogger of 2008, and I haven't been checking my stats as much, but I know there are more of you reading than commenting, especially recently.
So do this tired, somewhat blue girl a favor and comment. It's so easy!
Also, just more work really. Kinda boring.
Reading Special Topics in Calamity Physics. I'm hooked.
Oh, and to get a button of your very own, please see this site.
I know that I have not been the most fascinating blogger of 2008, and I haven't been checking my stats as much, but I know there are more of you reading than commenting, especially recently.
So do this tired, somewhat blue girl a favor and comment. It's so easy!
Also, just more work really. Kinda boring.
Reading Special Topics in Calamity Physics. I'm hooked.
Oh, and to get a button of your very own, please see this site.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
tired
stupid winter. even though it's been pretty nice. i need some happy sunshiny days.
i have been working a lot again (back in the cycle) so i'm exhausted. getting out of bed today really felt like a herculean task. and, actually, a little like sisyphus too. rolling the rock back up the hill...
so i'm a little out of sorts. and i have not been home AT ALL lately for the working (all weekend, monday til 1 am, etc., etc.)
this also means that i am craptacularly boring.
i'm sitting here staring at the screen and i cannot think of a thing to say.
bah.
ps. doahleigh. . . . our christmas tree is still standing too.
i have been working a lot again (back in the cycle) so i'm exhausted. getting out of bed today really felt like a herculean task. and, actually, a little like sisyphus too. rolling the rock back up the hill...
so i'm a little out of sorts. and i have not been home AT ALL lately for the working (all weekend, monday til 1 am, etc., etc.)
this also means that i am craptacularly boring.
i'm sitting here staring at the screen and i cannot think of a thing to say.
bah.
ps. doahleigh. . . . our christmas tree is still standing too.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
political nerdiness
can i say. . . i'm scared to say it. . .
on saturday night, william and i got thai food, opened a bottle of wine. i threw some laundry in the wash. . . and we settled in to watch the political debates.
and i was excited.
oh wow. it's going to be a long, nerdy, political season. i really truly and honestly clapped at the screen no less than five times. i read the recaps. i yelled at the screen when i disagreed.
i hope that my hillary nutcracker (that i got for christmas from william) novelty lasts longer than just the primaries.
also, i got my scanner in the mail. i am so excited i can't even say. i can't wait to see how it works.
i am a gigantic nerd. just. i have reached new levels.
on saturday night, william and i got thai food, opened a bottle of wine. i threw some laundry in the wash. . . and we settled in to watch the political debates.
and i was excited.
oh wow. it's going to be a long, nerdy, political season. i really truly and honestly clapped at the screen no less than five times. i read the recaps. i yelled at the screen when i disagreed.
i hope that my hillary nutcracker (that i got for christmas from william) novelty lasts longer than just the primaries.
also, i got my scanner in the mail. i am so excited i can't even say. i can't wait to see how it works.
i am a gigantic nerd. just. i have reached new levels.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
every time you go away
kilipino goes back to paraguay today. i did ok with the tears. i cried but didn't bawl. i'm still real sad though. i kinda don't know what to do with myself. she was here a very generous twenty days but i don't want to give her back. i feel better this time than last time she left though. i know she's going back to a boy who loves her enough to clean up her puke from stomach parasite things. i know she loves what she is doing. it will be ok.
so nanette mentioned how she saw the resemblance between me and my mom. we are clones, in fact. if i was a brunette (even if i didn't bleach my hair, it's not brown), it'd be very hard to tell us apart.
see the following:
This is March, 1967. Sorry mom, I have to say that you are 20 years old here.
and then me, at 25:
We have such a similar look on our faces. I wish I could zoom in a bit, in the real photos you can see it a little better. There are many photos where I can see myself in her expression in her eyes or the way she has her mouth. We have the exact same eyes and teeth. The same see-through pale skin. The same shaped legs. The same laugh. I catch myself saying my mom's sayings all the time. We think alike. When I was a teenager she used to say to me "Don't try to fool me! I know what you're thinking! I already thought it!"
so nanette mentioned how she saw the resemblance between me and my mom. we are clones, in fact. if i was a brunette (even if i didn't bleach my hair, it's not brown), it'd be very hard to tell us apart.
see the following:
This is March, 1967. Sorry mom, I have to say that you are 20 years old here.
and then me, at 25:
We have such a similar look on our faces. I wish I could zoom in a bit, in the real photos you can see it a little better. There are many photos where I can see myself in her expression in her eyes or the way she has her mouth. We have the exact same eyes and teeth. The same see-through pale skin. The same shaped legs. The same laugh. I catch myself saying my mom's sayings all the time. We think alike. When I was a teenager she used to say to me "Don't try to fool me! I know what you're thinking! I already thought it!"
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
more fotos!
sorry. . . i'm writing a lot at work and at home for wedding stuff, so i'm a little drained and/or blocked. and i still haven't done any more new year's resolutiony things or anything. or photos of christmas presents. okokOK! sorry!
anyway, for some viewing pleasure:
this is william and i dancing at our friend em and ben's wedding:
this is when it started to kick in that we were engaged:
here too:
RETRO TIME: here's a christmas picture, in keeping with the season. it's my mom and me, and my uncle jim, who dressed up like santa one year at my grandma's. as a child i was unnecessarily terrifed of jim and would hide under the kitchen table if he was at my grandma's. but. . . here he's santa, so we're friends. (I wrote a story about this for a newspaper I worked for a few years ago).
anyway, for some viewing pleasure:
this is william and i dancing at our friend em and ben's wedding:
this is when it started to kick in that we were engaged:
here too:
RETRO TIME: here's a christmas picture, in keeping with the season. it's my mom and me, and my uncle jim, who dressed up like santa one year at my grandma's. as a child i was unnecessarily terrifed of jim and would hide under the kitchen table if he was at my grandma's. but. . . here he's santa, so we're friends. (I wrote a story about this for a newspaper I worked for a few years ago).
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