My whole life, I've been something of an overachiever. I always got good grades, studied hard, held down jobs since I was 14, sometimes multiple ones; in college I balanced jobs, internships, and classes, all without needing a planner. I thrived on it.
All my life, I have had a Plan. I can say with some surety that I always wanted to be a writer. I loved books and words from a very early age—once, my sister said of babysitting me, "You were so BORING to babysit. You never wanted to do anything but read books, more, more books. I would ask if you wanted to play Barbies, or if you wanted to go outside, but you always said, 'More book!' " I sat on my dad's lap and we read the evening newspaper together often.
I knew that I wanted to get married and have a dog. And before I considered the enormous reality of having a child, I assumed that I wanted a few of those, too. (I'm not saying I don't here, it's just that I have realized the life-altering nature of it in a way I couldn't imagine even five years ago.)
As my mom says, I've always been a worrier. She says I was "3 going on 30." Only, I never thought I'd get to 30, becuase it was eons away. I spent my youth worrying and looking forward to adulthood—something my mom calls "wishing my life away"—and now I'm here.
I've entered a whole new realm of worrying lately. I'm lacking focus, in a way that I never have before. I've always been lasered in on the Future, and how if I just work really hard now, I can have whatever I want, in the Future.
This is supposed to be that Future.
But what I am realizing now, is that I'm 28 going on 30, and I have less of a Plan than ever. I've gotten my degree, started my career (actually, it's been like 5 years of career now), and I got married to the love of my life. I love my dog. We live in a beautiful loft that I'm proud to call home. And I am a big proponent of knowing that sometimes the things I don't Plan for are the best surprises in the world—better than any plan I could dream up.
Still, I can't help feeling like . . . Now what? Where do I go from here? It's not to say I don't count my blessings or enjoy small things, or celebrate my accomplishments when they come; or that I don't love the things that I've worked hard for.
What's the goal? What do I work for? How do I improve certain areas of my life? For the first time in my life, I really don't know.
I guess I thought by 28 that I'd be making decent money, traveling all over the world...young enough to have fun and enjoy life and feel inspired, but old enough to feel settled, knowing myself, and being financially stable.
Some of this is out of my control, of course: getting laid off, a noncompete agreement, plummeting property prices, a shitty economy. One thing in my control at one point, but I lost my way with—is debt.
Over the last year, I've been working really hard to pay off what I owe. It has not been easy. I've had to transform my lifestyle and scale way back. It's confronting the reality and consequences of being irresponsible in one area of my life. I've had to say no to a lot of social events I'd have loved to attend. And, oh, the outfits! The clothing budget basically went out the window. I'm three months away from being completely paid off, which is going to feel amazing. And will get me that much closer to living a life I want.
But on the other hand, I'm 28. And I'm starting to feel the heat of trying to make some important choices. When do we have kids? The clock is starting to tick, and we live in a one-room place—not exactly conducive to a family. And what about travel? So many places to see, so little time. And definitely not kid-friendly. When do we try to get an actual house? It's a buyer's market, but good luck selling our place now, no matter how cute we've fixed it up. The downtown loft living bubble burst long ago. I think this lack of focus, this carnival of wandering feelings, has even led me to avoid blogging. So I have to get it out there.
I guess what I'm thinking is that life is going fast. And yet, I don't feel ready to grind it out 9-5 for the next forty years. But what to do, then? How do I find new goals and Plans? How do I get inspired? How do I amke the most of it? How do I make it happen for my family? I only get one shot.
I know there are plenty of the-world-is-falling-down-around-our-ears going on, much worse than what I am experiencing myself. I certainly haven't lost sight of that. But does that mean we or I should accept it because "that's the way it is"? Has that ever served anyone well? Isn't it the nature of the planner to always be thinking ahead? Isn't this time time that necessity becomes the mother of invention? Isn't this the time that, more than ever, we realize the importance of pushing for peace, fulfillment, and, above all, for more than the current state of affairs has taught us to feel we deserve?
How am I supposed to make the world a better place?
I feel like I'm old enough that I should have the answers.
16 comments:
I've passed 30, and I still haven't figured it out.
Good post, with lots of good questions. Questions we all have, but most of us are afraid to ask aloud. You're not alone in how you feel, believe me. But if anyone can figure some of this out and live the life she needs to lead, it's you. I know it.
Yesterday I had a thought: I'm 28 years old, but my life expectancy is 100 years. That means I have over 2/3rds of my life left to live. Suddenly, time doesn't seem to be moving nearly as fast.
My heart felt every word of that. It's everything that goes through my head every day. Am I doing enough? What do I want? How did I get here? Where do I go from here?
Why doesn't anybody warn you that you won't have it figured out by the time you hit 28 (or 30)? A little warning might have helped.
So much to respond to! I felt this way after I got married. A Now what? kind of feeling. I think our whole lives are geared towards end points, like end of the school year, end of high school, once I get married, have kids...but as you get older, it's just life. Day to day and the highlights are what you make them. You have to kind of shift your brain. Make small goals. Take an adult ed class in your field. Make career goals. Work on your health. Start small. Don't try to have it all but just do one thing a day. That's what I'm learning and honestly I'm feeling really happy and fulfilled lately.
Also, you should watch less news. I believe the more people believe things are bad, the more they attract it. It's a spiral, really. Tune it out a little. Now is a time for opportunity, not misfortune. I really believe that. Good luck.
I had a lot of those same feelings before I had Adam. And you know what? Somehow you figure it out. It might not be the "in a perfect world" situation or scenario, but it WILL work out for you - whether it's a career change or a move or having kids or simply taking a mini vacation somewhere to celebrate your debt pay-off (just don't charge anything!)
I guess my best piece of advice is that it's OK not to have everything figured out. I'm amazed at how much you've accomplished in your life thus far. Don't beat yourself up about how it COULD be. Appreciate how it is. You have a lot to be proud of!
I hear you too - I am turning 30 this year, and even though it is not until October, it has really been hanging over my head. I like your comment, Sarah. Lots of good advice! I have definitely been trying to appreciate the small things, and just enjoy something each day.
I can relate to this so much. When I was at good ol' SHS I had a vision of life at 24...24 came and went and the vision was just that, nothing more than a mirage. The same thing happened to me at 27/28. Now I'm staring down 30 in less the six months, but you know what? I started to relax about it. I think if we had it ALL figured out, well we'd be in the great beyond. Life keeps you guessing, keeps you moving, keeps you on your toes. I think what matters is adjusting and that we keep moving forward, and most importantly that we have people to share it all with. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, you've been uber-successful.
Aw, you ladies are so kind. More thoughts to come.
i'm way past 30, i have a husband, two girls, and a dog, and i still don't have shit figured out.
i kind of wonder if i ever will.
Katie, I really relate to this too. Please keep blogging as you wrestle with these feelings bc I think a lot of us would benefit from your candor and insights.
it's nice to read something so heartfelt and questioning. sometimes i feel like everything I read on the internet is so full of gloss and bravado, and it's discouraging since I think most people really do feel like THIS.
one thing I will say is that, if you are at the point where you realize what a big deal having a kid is, that's half the battle of actually having a kid. and babies don't take up a lot of space, so I wouldn't let a 1 br house hold you back if it's something you really want.
this is a great post! not great about how you're feeling though =(
i was a worry wort too, maybe still a little now with a kid and all, but as cheesy as it sounds, when i learned to let things go and let it be, i'm a much more happier person.
wow, i hear you all too well. i'm trying to learn the art of "content-ness", but it's very hard.
hola I just wanted to delurk and let you know I am in the exact same boat. I'm also 28 and your post sounds like you were inside my head! Sounds like a lot of people have the same feelings, myself included. Thanks for sharing - it was so eloquently written.
I am WITH YOU. I still feel like a kid though... and it's scary to think that I should know better by now. I should have some answers as to what I want to be when I "grow up" but I don't.
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