Year in Review (Spoiler Alert: I'm Growing a Baby)

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
The pregnancy. And everything that goes along with it. Hm, well I might have set a record for dry heaving while brushing my teeth? Found ways to casually drop into conversation that I was pregnant? Saw my baby girl for the first time on an ultrasound. I mean, I grew her bones and nervous system and everything! I also went on bed rest and tried to hold her in. I think she’s definitely going to be a 2013 baby now!

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t actually think I made any last year. I should make some for next year, to hang onto when I feel like I’m drowning in new motherhood.

3. Did anyone close to you have a child?

Babies, babies everywhere! Yes! Not to put a ranking on it, but the baby born that is closest to me is my nephew, born Memorial Day weekend. He is pretty much the cutest, sweetest, happiest, squeezeable-ist, most loveable-ist baby in the WORLD. Oh Gus, we are so in love with you, buddy. You rock my world.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. Thank God.

5. Where did you travel? 

To the midwife and back again. Yeah, we didn’t go anywhere this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? 

A happy, healthy, darling, squeezable baby! (Not that the pregnancy was lacking...well, you know what I mean).

And a niiiiiiiice glass of whiskey.

And oh my god, I want to be able to take a damn ibuprofen for a headache.

Oh, and to drink the bottle of Veuve Cliquot that has been waiting for me since our wedding anniversary.  

I'm not even going to attempt to say "free time" here.

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory?
I can’t remember the exact date, but I will never forget the look on William’s face when I told him that I was pregnant. He said, “Really?” And I nodded my head yes. And then he said, “Really really?” And I said, “yes!” And he picked me up and swung me around in the sunroom. (That was pre-nausea.)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Well, I managed to puke and rally on one of the hottest days of the year to help William at an outdoor craft fair! I got a great review at work. I grew a baby. Are we sensing a pattern here?

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?

 No injury, and pregnancy isn’t an illness, I realize, but oh man, it certainly has its low points. That first trimester-plus was HORRIFIC. And also instantly (nearly) forgotten when I saw her little profile on the 20-week ultrasound.

10. What was the best thing you bought?

I suppose my First Response pregnancy test!

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Oh man, there were some voters who I would like to personally hug and kiss for their smart choices.

William has been so awesome while I have been on bed rest—attending to everything while getting through the busy season for work and getting ready for the baby.

My family has been incredible for that, too. New pjs, help around the house, errand running, dinner making. They have been on the BALL.

And my friends who have sent gifts from far and wide, celebrated this upcoming arrival with us, weathered this last little storm with us before she gets here.

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Ugh, a laundry list. And yet, I have to keep believing there are more good people in the world, and more benign people, than there are evil and unkind people. Because it’s true, and because, what good is living life if you don’t believe that?

13. Where did most of your money go? 

Bills.

14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The baby!

15. What song will always remind you of 2012?

Probably anything off the Black Keys’ El Camino album: Lonely Boy, Gold on the Ceiling, etc. We saw them play live (again) right before I found out I was pregnant, and they rocked (as usual)! I wasn’t super plugged in to the new music scene this year; too distracted.

16. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

I forgot to do this last year, I wish I had it to compare to, but I am happier, fatter, and about to be a whole lot poorer. Interesting how that equation works, isn’t it?

17. What do you wish you’d done more of?

More fun writing. More friend-timing. More yoga.

18. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Puking, or feeling on the verge of puking. And worrying.

19. How did you spend Christmas?

It was a weird Christmas, but I at least got to leave the house. I spent Christmas Eve on my sister’s couch, and Christmas Day in my dad’s recliner. Gus and I read a book about frogs about 8 gazillion times and it was delightful. We have another Christmas scheduled in the New Year. Poor Wm got really sick so he spent Christmas Day in bed.

20. What was your favorite TV program?

Freaks and Geeks! We just watched the series for the first time. Sons of Anarchy. I had a hard time staying awake for a lot of TV this year due to the PG Tireds. 

Wait. This was missing a #21?

22. What was the best book you read? 

Hands down, Unbroken. She should win every award ever for putting that epic story to paper.

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Again, I was kinda distracted this year. So nothing new and mindblowing. I continue to love the Foo Fighters, mourn the breakup of R.E.M., and dig into all the old soul singers and Motown sounds.

24. What did you want and get?

A growing baby!

25. What did you want and not get?

Financial abundance, ha!

26. What was your favorite film of this year?  

Um, I didn’t really see any movies this year. The only movie I saw in the theaters was The Dark Knight Rises, which I liked but didn’t love as much as The Dark Knight. We watch a lot of Netflix though.

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 32. 32! Is that number for REAL? My birthday was a weirrrrrd day. Started out with the innocuous trip to the midwife, only to find out I was in preterm labor, had to go to the hospital for steroid shots and start bedrest immediately. I didn’t think I’d still be pregnant by now, the way they were talking. William saved the day by making me delicious New York Strip steak and cake. I got fancy shoes for my birthday gift but I’ve yet to wear them!

28. What one [or three] thing[s] would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I think, per usual, less worrying. But overall, this has been a year where I couldn’t ask for much more. When you have a mostly healthy pregnancy, that really ranks right up there.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

Well, I wore a lot of leggings. And wrap sweaters. And anything else that maybe still fit me. Maternity on the cheap! I look forward to the day when I can wear my normal clothes, although I must confess it was nice to have a little pass on the fashion thing for a bit.

30. What kept you sane?

The usuals: long talks with friends, love from William, the kindness and support of my family.

Oh and to add to that: advice from doulas, acupuncture, breaaaathing deeply. (I miss yoga!)

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Hillary! Hillary! Hillary! And that Obama guy.

32. What political issue stirred you the most?

Ahahahahhahaha… as if there were just one! I wish. I mean, this could be a blog series in and of itself.

But seriously, the marriage amendment failing in Minnesota is something I will be super proud to tell future generations about. I got to be a part of saying that intolerance will not be tolerated in the state where I live. I cried when I found out that we had managed to win.

33. Who did you miss?

Friends who have scattered far and wide.

34. Who was the best new person you met?

Every year I get to meet cool and interesting people and manage to make new friends. All of them are the best for one reason or another (or many reasons)! But I will say hiring a doula team: best idea ever for my pregnancy.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.
I never, ever, ever, EVER thought I’d say this, but man, having a baby is a miracle. It has already changed my life in one million and one ways.

Counting

If I were an old-timey prisoner, I'd be carving hash marks into the walls and dragging my cup along the bars, demanding food, justice—or maybe both.

But I am here, in the present day, and I'm instead counting the days. Counting the days up—10 since I've found out that Babycakes is trying to make her way into the world early. Counting down...to when she arrives. Except we no longer have any idea at all about when that might be. We just know it might be much sooner than we thought.

When I made the appointment, the receptionist looked at me and said "How about December 10?" I said, "oh! That's my birthday!" She said, "Oh, you probably don't want to come on your birthday, let me see what else we have here."

But I stopped her from finding a date the following week. "It'll be a gift to hear her heartbeat on my birthday," I said. "Book it."

Thank goodness we did.

We spent the first part of the appointment chatting about pregnancy symptoms (I, blissfully ignorant, only listed some exhasution and a little hip pain). The midwife clapped her hands efficiently and said, "Well, you're breezing right through! Get up on the table and we'll have a listen."

While she listened for the heartbeat, I asked if Babycakes was still head down. I'd been getting some hard bulge on my right side near my ribs and there'd been a lot of activity the weekend before. I wondered if she got off track.

The midwife felt around. "Hm," she said, sort of puzzled. "I can't find her head."

I giggled. Headless baby.

Then her face got kind of serious, and she said "You know, I'm going to have you get undressed. I'll be back."

I looked over at William. "Shit?" I said, but sort of asked. William looked concerned.

The midwife breezed back in. "I'm just going to do a check," she said, as she snapped on some gloves. I steeled myself.

"Um, well, there's her head," she said.

What?

"You're done with everything. No going to the office. No laundry. No walking dogs." She took the gloves off.

What?

So yes, we learned the baby was head down....and heading down. I had no idea. No symptoms, really. Things are tenuous at best, I realized. And it's too early. "On a scale of one to ten, how freaked out should I be?" asked her. I needed some kind of gauge.

"Well, you're likely looking at NICU time if you deliver now," she said. Oh. That kind of freaked out. She never did give me a number.

Ultrasound revealed long femurs. And a possibly 5.5-pound baby. Who is definitely trying to make her way out.

So for ten days, that's what I've been thinking about. How my baby is already sneaking up on me, taking the wheel, upending my life. How my life is already being given over to hers. Lying here in hopes she doesn't show up before Christmas. Or even before the new year.

It's a weird feeling to be confined to the bed, or the couch, but not feel sick. And not feel like I'm having anything really happen yet. I have to remind myself not to get up for menial tasks. To say yes when people offer help. To stay calm.

After the steroid shot and the exams...my husband attempted to make my birthday special. To erase the freaked-out present I got earlier in the day. He went to a fancy grocery store and asked for their two best New York strip steaks. He told the butcher his wife got bedrest for a present and needed some cheering up.

He melted blue cheese on the top, made spicy broccoli, mashed potatoes. We ate off china while I laid on the couch, and he lit a single candle for me to blow out on my red velvet cake.

I think it was the first dinner where we maybe felt like parents. Not like starry-eyed parents-to-be. Like honest-to-god, holy shit there is a human being in there we need to protect and worry about parents. Sobering. I guess maybe that's what happens when you turn 32 and you're pregnant.

Since then, there's been a flurry of activity around me as I watch from my perch. William frantically getting orders out the door in case the baby comes. My mom coming to make me lunch and clean the kitchen and make grocery runs. Friends appearing with food, well wishes, good distractions. My sister brings pajama pants and socks, my brother brings food. Me wrapping up my own work in hopes it's not a shambles while I'm on leave.

And then I have these moments of stillness. Where all I'm supposed to do is lie here and be quiet. Just me and Babycakes. I breathe deeply. I tell her she'd be an awesome Christmas present, but she'd sure be screwed for birthdays for her whole life. That it's cold outside and she should stay warm. That even though I am starting to let myself dream of her face, what she might be like, or look like, that I can wait a little while longer, and she should too. That I'd hoped she'd get her patience from somewhere else in the gene pool, and not to be impatient like her mom and dad. Be a good girl. I'm already admonishing her.

I'm just not a still, quiet person. I dream every night of losing my locker combination, being late to class, being unprepared for a test. Over and over and over. I practice being quiet. I count her hiccups. I think about what to put in the hospital bag. I pet the dogs. I read. I finish a mountain of thank-you notes. In some ways, I've never been so efficient.

I remind myself when I get restless of the second day after I found out. Eyes snapped open at 4:30 a.m. Feeling pukey. Something not right. Taking a shower and feeling my belly round out and harden over and over. Thinking, nonononononononono.

No. Not yet.

Maybe she's practicing too, I realize, because since then, so far, so good. 10 days down. Who knows how many to go. I wait.