The Crud

I haz it.

Loud, mouthbreathing, chest hurting, cracking lips and nose... UGH.

I really haven't had a cold in a looooooong time. I think I got one because I was just saying that I haven't had one in years. I'm loading on C and Zinc . . . I even drank this super bitter grapefruit seed extract this morning. It was horrible, but I think it might have helped! Then I took a shower with a eucalyptus shower tablet and that helped open my sinuses a little bit. I bought a Neti pot yesterday but I didn't realize we didn't have any regular table salt at home (we always use sea salt) and i've been feeling too cruddy to go out and get some. I've been wanting to try it out though!

When I was kid and we got the crud, as my dad always called it, I stayed home from school and he made a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup and we would watch People's Court and Love Connection ("back in two-and-two"). We laughed when Judge Wapner would put the smack down on people (the original cranksta judge) and when people on Love Connection went on horrible dates.

Then my mom would come home after she was done at work and I would look forward to the moment when she'd put her cool hands on my forehead to see if I had a fever. Even if I didn't, I still loved that moment. Just the other day I was throwing myself a pity party and I said, "Mom, will you feel sorry for me for a few minutes and pet my head?" She did. It still has the same curative power.

At least now I don't have to chew those awful grape children's Tylenols.

I need to get better! I have next week off and hope to hang with Pamcakes and her babies but I can't if I have the sniffles.

What are your favorite home remedies?

Yuck

Little flare-up of the tummy problems today. Had to leave work early for the first time in a long time.

I'm frustrated and disappointed, although overall I've been feeling great. Meds, exercise, giving up pop. What else??

I want a transplant.

I've gotta lay down; no ability to think up good stuff tonight. Sorry.

P.S.: This is totally crazy coming out of my mouth, but yet, here it is: I'm sad I don't feel well enough to go to the gym tonight. Yep. I said it.

Migraine Girl

A year ago this month, my life completely changed. I was laid off. I was just a few mere months from my wedding. I'd like to write my thoughts about One Year Later in a coming post.

But one other thing happened that month. I got my first migraine.

It was a silent migraine, which means it was a migraine with no pain, but with blurred peripheral vision and sparkly spots, like someone had just taken my photo. I also had trouble seeing my computer screen. It happened a time or two, then seemed to pass. Over the year, I had a couple more big headaches, a ten-day headache, and most of them approaching migraine-level pain. Then nothing for a long time.

Last night, I had a real migraine. Knocked me on my ass. I felt completely fine until about 8:45. Then, it occrured to me that I was starting to have a headache. No big. I walked into the the bathroom to get some Advil and then--BANG--hit by a bus.

I could barely even blink my eyes. It felt like the insides of my eyelids were glued on with sandpaper. My head felt like it was about to split in half and birth an alien baby. I could hear my pulse in my ears. I couldn't look at anything, as my vision started to halo everything, and then blurred. After about 15 minutes, I crawled into my pajamas, trying to hold my skull together at the same time. Then I crawled under the covers. My pillow hurt, my sheets hurt, the sound of my blankets hurt. Did you know blankets made sounds? They do. At least when you have a migraine.

Today I feel much better, but I still have a dull ache across the back of my head, shoulders and down my jawline. it's controllable with Advil, though.

In any case, I really hate that blurry vision thing. It's weird and scary.

And that's about all from this frozen, frozen land. I tried firing March, but March did not listen.

Jerk.

Gettin' Lippy

I do not recommend getting a mucocele in your lip. It's this little water-balloon-ey bump and you have to get them removed or they take up permanent residence in your mouth and grow and shrink as they please. They are simply damaged spit glands (you can get if you are a chronic lip-chewer such as I) but dammit they are ANNOYING.

As you might have guessed. I got one. And I had to have it removed. And it was only about a 10 minute process after the Novocain set in (and WHY do those syringes have to come in that ghastly torture chamber device metal thing even if they don't have to reach way back in your mouth), but it was still awful and made my hands sweat so hard my jeans were damp when I left and I felt a little fainty but I lied to the dentist and told him that I was FINE, FPHFINE, prease keepsh gong, because if it had taken 2 more minutes I might have screamed and ran, spit-sucker and all?

Oh, and now the joy of stitches (which I always forget to type the second "t" in when typing, but not writing) and dissolve-ment, and not being able to eat solid foods--what I wouldn't give for a New York Strip and Milk Duds, anything chewy and filling, please GOD.

Also, lastly, that feeling where I can tell where the remaining stitches are holding my cut together? YOU OOOK ME OUT.

PS: Vicodin? You made me feel like I was floating. And like I should sleep for 48 hours.

God, I am Ugly

OK, so here are my current problems (warning, body talk ahead):

My medication for my stomach used to give me dry mouth, but luckily that's sorta faded. However, chapped lips OHMYWORD. I always get chapped lips but this is extraterrible. This morning they were cracked and BLEEDING. I have not worn lipstick in I can't tell you how long. So it hurts, it's ugly, and I can't cover it up with lipstick. This is a problem, people.

Also mouth-related, I got this weird bump inside my lip that I think I diagnosed on WebMD and is totally benign and not a big deal, but it's swollen and is irritating and I've bit it a couple of times.

It's also a)so dry here and b)the meds again that the inside of my nose is, like, hard. It hurrrrrrrts. Then it itches, then it hurts. This morning, that bled too.

Also upon awakening this morning, I had a giant zit on my cheek (a weird place to get it) and some weird stomachaches. I have been craving Snickers bars for like four days. Which is a little strange for me.

Well, surprise! It's time for my monthly visit, even though it isn't time! Cramps, zits, I feel like my limbs are lead weights and I am all pufftacular. Not surprisingly, my mood is also kind of sucky.

I am seriously ugly right now. Ugh.

Belated Boo

Dad's home! Yay! He's already gotten more rest, so he's looking better by the day now. Thanks for your good thoughts and wishes as we proceed through the recovery process.

I'm still missing a lot of you...

Not much else to report today. Have to get up early tomorrow, so....

Look, pictures! Halloween, 'member that? Here's a couple shots my coworker took.

Landslide and other random news

When the Smashing Pumpkins covered Landslide, I thought, "Why? Why that song?" And when the Dixie Chicks covered it, I was all like "What is UP with that song?"

And now when I hear Stevie Nicks sing it (who does it best, in my mind), I often cry. There are still parts I'm taking apart and thinking about, things that don't apply, but I guess I'm just of an age that a lot of it resonates with me. That's part of why I love rock and roll.

i took my love, i took it down
climbed a mountain and i turned around
and i saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'til the landslide brought it down
oh, mirror in the sky
-what is love?
-can the child within my heart rise above?
-can i sail thru the changin' ocean tides?
-can i handle the seasons of my life?
i don't know.....
well, i've been afraid of changin'
'cause i've built my life around you
but time makes you bolder
even children get older
and i'm getting older too
oh, take my love, take it down
climb a mountain and turn around
-and if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
well the landslide will bring it down
-and if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
well the landslide will bring it down
the landslide will bring it down

I didn't think of it as an option for my dance song with my dad, but I sort of wish it had occurred to me. Only I probably would have bawled, so it's probably a good thing I didn't and stuck with Iz singing "What a Wonderful World/Over the Rainbow".

**********************

Dad could be coming home tomorrow! This is great news. He's up walking and looking much better.

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Today felt really long. I think I'm emotionally cashed. And I usually sleep like a rock but it's not been great the last week. Some things that made me laugh: a funny somee-card from Fatty, co-workers' jokes, William and Molly. There was also a great interactive game for REM fans where you had to guess the song really fast...I landed in the Top 50 the first time I played! Also, yummy meatloaf for dinner.

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Totally stolen from JQ Lounge, but too good not to talk about: Hollywood's Sexy Ugly Men. A few of them have topped my list at one time or another: Benicio, Clive, even Steve Carrell (funny wins!). But I feel I should say that Daniel Craig has never done anything for me.

All Hospital

This weekend has been fairly consumed with walking down the halls to 2L, the wing where my dad is staying. He's sharing a four-person room with just one other person right now, so that's a welcome relief. Still, he hasn't slept, or at least he thinks he hasn't. He is coming out of a post-morphine haze, and I think we've turned a corner. *knock on wood*

Things are getting better. I'm really exhausted.

All hospital, not much play. William and I did head to one of our favorite activities, an art crawl, for a couple of hours yesterday. I wish we could have spent more time there. Hopefully things will start to ease now and we can go back to feeling normal and feeling healthy!

Sorry again for such a short post. Life is moving pretty quickly over here and I'm trying to keep up.

Sicko

It's been a long few days.

I want to respect my dad's privacy, but suffice it to say that we have had a few bumps along the way to recovery...including the need for a blood transfusion, lots of medication, and something called superventricular tachycardia, which would be really fun to say if it didn't mean something rather icky—really high heartbeat rates that just aren't good for anyone.

He seems perkier tonight, but he has been feeling pretty yucko. which in turn leaves me feeling pretty yucko, too.

We continue progress toward recovery, but it's a little slower than we'd all like. Your continued good thoughts and encouragement would really help!

My exhaustion continues, so I'm needing to keep this short. More posts to come tomorrow.

The Last Week

My illness is not interesting but it's the only thing I got. Sorry.

The last week I have been plagued by one (1) frightening case of what I think was wicked deep circle of hell heartburn, then chest pains, and an intermittent feeling like Molly might be sitting on my lungs, which sometimes causes me to cough.

I put off calling the doctor for, well, seven (7) days—after all, it was better than the stomachaches—but finally it occurred to me that perhaps chest pains are a sign of Get Thee to the Emergency Room, and according to WebMD, that actually you are supposed to contact your doctor immediately (emphasis from WebMD).

Hey, did you know if you mention chest pains in a voicemail to your doctor, you get an almost-immediate call back?

Unfortunately that means I have to go off the pills for a few days, then return at a half a dose. Which means, the aches and symptoms are baaaaa-aaack (a little Poltergeist reference for Halloween), a most regrettable situation.

I'm pretty sad. Pretty fed up. Kinda depressed. No real writerly words for this. Just a lot of icked-out bummed-ness.

Consumed

Seriously? I haven't been blogging, because honestly, my life is consumed with what I'm eating, when I'm eating it, how I'm eating, recording what I'm eating, panicking because my stomach suddenly hurts, rejoicing because it doesn't hurt, oh yes wait a second, it hurts.

Honestly, it's making me super crabby and depressed. I want my stomach back. I want to eat normal food. I want to not have headaches because I'm so hungry. I want to stop craving steaks and hamburgers and spinach (think I'm a little low on iron?).

I want to go to work and feel good all day. I want to feel good when I come home. I want to eat normal lunch and normal dinner. I take pretty good care of myself. I eat right, I'm starting to exercise more, I get enough sleep. I'm 27. This shouldn't be happening. It's like waking up every morning to a little slice of internal hell.

Doggone Right

I have to go there on the politics.

She winked into the camera.

She called the average guy "Joe Six Pack"

She insulted teachers who are working their asses off to make education decent for kids.

She talked about energy and education when the topics were mortgages and foreign policy.

She used the "I have a [friend], so I'm tolerant and diverse" sentence.

Any time she deviated from her script she had to wink into the camera and use her little colloqualisms--doggone, heckuva, you betcha. when the questions called for an answer she hadn't been provided with, she just ranted on whatever she had information for.

Then there was the defiant "I may not answer your question, but I'm gonna talk straight to the American people." Well excuse me, this is a DEBATE with TOPICS.

Folksy neighbors with their silly talk and run-on sentences are fine at HOME. I don't want one representing the USA. In charge of the country that I love. I don't want to have a beer with my elected officials. I don't want to go to a hockey game with them. I want them to be smarter than me, make better decisions than I can. I want them to be a representative of our ideals and people, yes, but smooth, sophisticated, prepared.

Some pundits are saying she could have won. How is that even possible? Am I living in an alternate universe? Is there something I don't understand here?

I have a stomachache of a different kind tonight. Serious.

PS: How is not going down in flames the new standard for success? And since when is coming prepared with facts and numbers seen as negative? Since when have we wanted vote for the lowest common denominator? OHMYGOD.

PPS: NSFW language, possibly. Found this via Free and Flawed: Hey There Sarah Palin

Eating

...is so good. I ate chicken and squash. And it's so good.

Yes, that is the sum total of my past few days.

That is all.

Activia!

Seeing a specialist, probably next week, at the soonest. Until then, eat Activia every day, he says. Activia! Sing it with me, now. Maybe avoid dairy for a couple of days.....uh, I really hope it's not dairy. If it is, I'm screwed. I love dairy foods. You will witness a meltdown.

I don't feel great today, but maybe more stable. But I have eaten nearly nothing, though. Two pieces of toast with raspberry jam. it's 1:30 pm. I am starving. There is NOTHING good on TV, day blurs into afternoon, I'm not feeling good enough to do much (or at least I don't have the energy to do much since I'm not eating), but I'm antsy.

This is honestly depressing. I feel like crap, I can't eat, when I do eat, I feel like more crap, I can't go anywhere, TV sucks, I have not seen people socially for days. I don't even have anything to talk about. Kill me now.

Stomachaches, Part II

I was FINALLY feeling better yesterday. I didn't eat much but what i did eat agreed with me. I even had a normal dinner—salmon, mashed potatoes, broccoli. Felt very full, but good, all night. Woke up this morning, felt fine. Took shower, felt fine. Got out of shower--whammo--not so fine.

It was an awful 20 minutes or so, where I seriously thought, OK, something is really really wrong here.

I have felt semi-OK the rest of the day. I managed to eat Malt O Meal and tomato soup.

Tomorrow is an all day convention-type thing for work. I'm not sure if I'll make it. I'm waiting to hear from a doctor on an appointment. Meanwhile, I did some reading on IBS. Woww. Yep.

Anyone have any hints or suggestions from people they know who have it?

Stomachaches, an FAQ

I have had them for as long as I can remember.

There's no pattern. It goes in phases. There seem to be no specific triggers, and I'm pretty much an expert on my own stomach, thanks.
No, it doesn't seem to be carbs, although I avoid some of them, like pasta, because that does seem to sometimes, but not always, make it worse.
No, I am most definitely not lactose intolerant.
Yes, I have tried every single over-the-counter stomach aid out there.
Yes, some of them I put in my car, my purse, my desk at work, everywhere I can think of, because I'm honestly afraid of having some kind of attack when I'm out.
Yes, I change my routines in case my stomach revolts.
Yes, I go home early or stay home altogether because of it sometimes.
No, I'm not very adventurous in my lifestyle as a result. You wouldn't be, either. Trust me. (Although I love all kinds of food and deeply indulge when I'm feeling good.)
Yes, I've just started taking yoga.
Yes, I'm considering acupuncture to see if it helps.
Yes, I sleep as much as I can/should.
Yes, stress seems to play a factor, but doesn't seem to be the only thing.

I have been home all weekend, quarantined because of intestine-twisting, blinding, intermittent cramps and the fact that every time something, anything goes in my mouth, I pay the price. I'm hungry and I'm frustrated and I'm crabby and I JUST WANT THIS TO STOP so I can be a NORMAL PERSON.

The Fight in the Dog, Part II

Sorry for the delay in updates. We had a crazy couple of days over here.

The first vet visit revealed: her heart murmur, diagnosed this spring, is a little worse. It's moved from a 2 to a 3 or 3.5. That's on a scale of 6. X-rays revealed that her heart is enlarged, from the extra work it goes through to make up for the valve that doesn't close properly. It could have led to a fainting episode, the scary episode I detailed in the last post. The vet seemed quite sure that was what happened. The progression of the disease is hard to gauge and hard to treat; it's controversial and none too cheap. Some dogs live years and years; some just live weeks. But, since she's been living with it for at least a few months now, I figured it will be a good long time. I was feeling so-so about the visit, sad that she's getting worse, but reassured she wasn't going to drop dead at our door.

Then this morning happened. I noticed Molly was a little more lethargic than normal, but nothing that immediately concerned me. I mean, dogs get tired, too, right? Then it ame time to leave. She heard my keys jingle and immediately jumped up, but when I realized I had forgotten something and went looking for it, she got confused. When I made it back to the door, she couldn't find me, despite my repeated calls for her to come "bye-bye" with me. I could see her shadow on the floor, her paws going one step to the left, then one to the right, as though she couldn't choose where I was calling from. I thought it strange but she eventually figured it out and I sort of immediately chalked it up to my paranoia.

Then we walked a few more feet. Molly, instead of doing her usual cute prance, was shuffling her feet, floppy, loose. Her head wasn't pointed up, but rather in the down position that usually indicates her dog-guilt over an accident or toilet-paper-eating incident. We turned down the long hallway that leads to the street where I park my car. She stopped at least three times and turned to her left, where she thought the door should be, and bumped her head against the wall, as though I'd opened the door for her. She was several feet away from the door.

When I got her to my parents' house, she was no better. Limp-limbed, uninterested mostly in exploring the house, running into my legs, running into the cabinets. I couldn't stop crying. I tried to hold myself together, but holy hell, it's really hard when someone (something, for you purists) is hurting and you can't help. She was responsive when I called her name and that sort of thing, so I felt at least confident enough to leave her there for a few hours, with a call put in to the vet's office.

The vet called me back around 11. My mom had reported that lil Mo was still pretty despondent. The vet told me that maybe it was something neurological, so Mo should come back for more tests (read: $$). I took her in about an hour ago. When I picked her up at my parents' house, she bounded ot the door, jumped on my legs, wagging her little nub-tail. Like my little Mo.

Mom threw up her hands. "Weirdest thing, in the last two hours, she's sorta revived," she says. (Mom, maybe it was your hamburger-and-rice offerings).

So she bonked into a cabinet at the vet's office but otherwise was sweet and gentle. Maybe not as feisty as I would have liked, but definitely improved. She sat nicely for her exam, and the vet reassured me that at least her heart was sounding stable and her lungs clear. There was perhaps some concern that Molly was having vision problems (she already has cataracts), but the vet also said that her pupils were responding and that Molly could definitely see fine.

They took some blood and did a pee test, and we'll hear about those results tomorrow morning. Think good thoughts!

For now, I can't tell you how happy my heart feels when I hear her bark at the slamming doors out in the hallway. That's my girl.

Bleh.

Blogging rut. Real bad. Allergies/summer cold attack not helping and making me a whiny five-year-old. Plz send ice cream. Also, blog ideas.

WeeMo, I'm working on one that you requested, but it's not "there" yet. Anyone else? Come on. You know you want to. Help a girl out.

random acts of kindness

man, i KNOW i have been so fascinating lately.

i really want to tell a good story today, but part of the reason i can't is because it would reveal a surprise to a couple of my readers, possibly.

but let's say this: i ordered gifts for a couple of important women in my life, and i had explained to the seller that i needed a particular thing because it was for my wedding.

today i went to my mailbox, and not only were the gifts for my girls there, but so was a gift for ME from this particular woman. it's killing me not to link to her, because she was so awesome, but if you are interested, i can email you the link. and i will post it after some time passes and i can.

but let's just say after spending ANOTHER day at home, sick, it totally made my day. a random act of kindness from a stranger—some really beautiful handmade earrings—accompanied by a congratulatory note. totally unexpected. and honestly, i was bowled over.

i'm so touched.


in other news, the hacking continues. i was up for goodly portions of the night last night, so i stayed home again today. hopefully back to work tomorrow.

more sickness

good lord. this is the most unattractively sick that i have been for a long time. i almost have too much pride to post here all the icky things that have happened to me today.
this includes: waking up with wet hair, yes WET, from sleeping with my mouth open and drooling so much, coughing up junk, having to change pjs and sheets after a fever break.
william: brought me ice water, stroked my drooled-upon hair, helped me change the sheets, bought some fruit and organic oj at the fruit market across the street. my mom stopped by with jello (three kinds!) and corned beef and cabbage with potatoes and carrots. so i didn't have to miss out toooooo much on one of my favorite holidays.
i just feel bulldozed. flattened. although the burning-brick-lung has lessened, thank god, because i didn't know how much longer i could stand it. you shouldn't ever have to think it's hard to breathe.
thanks to friends who called to check on me too. i couldn't talk much since i have no voice and it feels strained to say much, but i appreciated the five minutes of entertainment.
edited to add: i can't believe i forgot to add molly's role in all this. never one to give kisses, she has given me two kisses in the last two days (that's a LOT for her) and she has been stuck to my side like glue, even when william was making food in the kitchen and she could hear food rattling around. she has a tendency usually to curl up at my hip or feet, but with william she always lays on his chest. she has been almost insisting on curling up on my chest--i swear she knows how my chest hurts and wants to help.
i am so lucky to have all these people and pets around me.