Obligation

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about how busy my life has become. I keep thinking, "Oh, after this I'll have some free time," or "Oh, once this passes I can do x, y, z."

You know what? I don't think that time is ever going to come. That really is just dawning on me in a real way.

Which means I'm going to have to learn to adapt and learn that I'm not going to be able to do everything, and that I can't judge my relative success or failure in life by the number of Yeses and Nos that I have to give people when they ask me for something--no matter how badly I want to do something.

It also means I have to prioritize. I don't like the word prioritize. it seems to suggest that some things can be truly counted as more important than others. I'm always afraid I'm going to hurt someone's feelings or let someone down. And saying "Oh, this doesn't fit on the priority list" seems like the coldest thing ever, even if I'm just saying it to myself.

And that means I have to make sure to schedule in time to spend with my husband that's not just the daily living-together stuff that any cohabitators would have. Same goes for my dog, my family, and ... myself.

It means not overcommitting so that I feel consistently overwhelmed on a weekly basis. And consistently frustrated and feeling like I failed when the to-do list spills over from week to week, month to month.

We all need time to be creative and daydream or blow off steam. It makes us more productive and happy in the long run. I wonder how long it will take me to truly take this advice for myself, no matter how much I believe it for other people.

Falling

Yesterday, I went in the mall with one of my BFFs, the friend I've had the absolute longest, who happens to be leaving the country in three weeks to teach English for six months. (I will then lack a best friend that lives in the state, my little tri-shaped cocoon broken up by geography.)

When we came back out of the mall a couple of hours later, the temperature had dropped a good 10 to 15 degrees. The wind was blowing, and the sky looked menacing. The thin hoodie and yoga pants I was wearing (yeah, I really care about my appearance lately) were not enough, and we ran for the car, giggling about how she wasn't going to miss the cold winter. I told her that no one else runs screaming to the car like we do when it's cold...so now I'm just going to look insane when I do it by myself.

Again, today was dark and cloudy and threatened rain. It was a long, swirling ball of stress and more-than-intermittent frustration, running here and there, my patience (never known for its long fuse) shorter than usual.

Suddenly, friend-adventures abound in my life; babies (my GOD the babies; what water all are these women drinking? I think I now roundabouts 20 people who are pregnant or gave birth this year), weddings (again, around 20 people), travel, blazing new pathways through our quasi-adulthood. Seasons are changing.

I'm so, so excited for all these people and their wonderful news. Seriously, I love getting the news that someone's engaged or pregnant or off to fulfill a life dream, and I get super crabby when people aren't supportive of everyone's good fortunes. I've noticed lately that there's a lack of genuine excitement for other people and I'm working hard to combat that jealous force all by myself, if I have to. And their good newses end up cheering my OWN moods, and I rely on them when I'm feeling like the world is tipping off its axis just a little bit.

But still. It forces me to evaluate my own life. I'm struggling to find my next adventures, my own life path, my own dreams, whatever they may be. But that doesn't change my happiness or excitement for everyone else--hell, if they pursue their dreams, it inspires me to do the same.

I have to say that tonight, as I walked through the door after an extralong day, those fall clouds parted a little upon seeing my darling husband chopping garlic for our dinner.

Bullitt

*It's been a very busy week. It will be busy into the weekend.
*I hope I get some sleep and relaxation soon.
*We had a meeting of the moms for the wedding. It went well, despite my bad directions. (Sorry again Mom.)
*Dessert and good conversation goes a long way for mental well-being.
*Babies are great.
*I'm glad I don't have one right now.
*We are getting married in less than 90 days. Say what-what?
*I hate money.
*Also, cramps suck.
*William and I both had terrible. horrible, no-good, very bad days this week.
*Please, please let it stop snowing.
*The sun is sort of out when I get out of the shower int he morning now. And sometimes the sun is still out for a few seconds when I leave work. I count every second as important.
*There are a lot of details to be wrapping up. I hope to be blogging regularly, but As you can already see, it's been spotty.
*Looking at photos of Hawaii makes me happy.
*Molly's sweet darling personality melts my heart afer a long day, her little stumpy tail and butt wagging.
*I feel really lucky that the person I am marrying is someone that I can argue with and in the same sentence laugh. I can cry and make jokes. We can stay up late into the night talking. That security is such an amazing feeling. I am so lucky.

roadmap

now that i'm entering life with another person, legally, it has changed my thinking some on the future. when i think about three years from now, i think about where william and i will be, not where 'just i' will be. i think about how those decisions might impact our relationship and our goals. i think about whether we will have enough money for a house-house, if we will have enough money and time and energy for children, if we will both be getting everything out of our careers we'd hoped, by the time we're 30.
after i graduated from college, i got a job in my field almost immediately--i was lucky. it was a rollercoaster year, where i was put in charge of a weekly city newspaper, when i hadn't even attended a city council meeting before. i was essentially thrown to the wolves on my first day (a fifteen-hour shift, ended with hysterical crying and vowing to never go back). i went back, though. and i made some lovely, lovely friends there, too. it was the beginning of my adult life. since then i've made lots of professional and personal leaps and bounds. i dated a disaster for women, i stood up for myself, i started a new job, i watched my family go through family ups and downs, i watched my friends grow and change, i fell in love.
now i'm five years (oh, how it pains me to say that number) into my career. i start thinking about all the places i want to travel, the things i want to write, or where i thought i'd be by now. i'd definitely say an overall assessment has me at meeting and even exceeding those goals, but now that i'm there, i'm not sure what my next steps are. and now we'll be making those steps together. the goals aren't quite as clear and require some kind of consensus. i keep getting told that the older you get, the more complex life gets, and the harder it can get to make changes. i've never been a person who makes changes easily (although i'm always thinking about how it will be better later, a pattern i'm trying to change). in fact, i usually go kicking and screaming into the next phase of my life, whatever aspect it happens to be, and then feel like a fool in retrospect. i eat a lot of crow.
i'm back to that saturn return feeling. i think i've posted about it before. a mix of these positive and negatives, ups and downs, goods and bads, and big life markers. milestones.
but it's difficult to know what the next milestones are, past the wedding. how to set future goals. and many times i feel like a teenager in an adult's life. until i was about 23, i knew exactly everything i wanted (good thing i didn't get it all, some of the surprises were SO worth it). i was ready and willing to work my butt off to be there. i'm still ready and willing. i'm just not always sure where 'there' is anymore. i'm lucky i have someone to take those next steps with me. at least i'll have someone holding my hand.

i never said nothing

i just caught a second of liz phair on vh1. and can i say, that it was an awesome peak point to an otherwise low day? she is so sexy! and it was a 90s clip and the song made me heart race. plus. her music. goes right to my heart every time.
liz phair is one of my idols. i feel silly being 27 and saying that. but i love her. i'll never tire of exile in guyville....and i know that's so cliche. but it is a "rad record" as jewel was quoted as saying. it's so intricate, the lyrics are so good. whip-smart is great too. i even like her pop stuff (most liz fans don't).
i even wrote women's studies papers about her lyrics.
so imagine the total and complete paralysis that came over me when i was about 10 feet from her, and she looked into my eyes, and said, "hello!" and she looked genuine and interested and it caught me so off guard.
but before that happened. . . kilipino said to me, "don't turn around, and act cool, because liz phair is coming this way." i totally thought she was joking. but she was not.
i'm not sure what look crossed my face, but i had a physical reaction. i could feel my heart racing, my knees getting weak. like the cutest boy in high school suddenly noticed i existed. that's the closest thing i can use to describe it.
i was lucky to share this moment with two friends, kilipino and fatty.
some guy came out of nowhere and asked her to sign an album. it was about this moment that it was really liz. like really. i remember she said "i will, but i have to go in there [gestures towards tour bus] but i'll be back and do it then."
we looked at each other in wide-eyed surprise. we hadn't intended to be standing outside her tour bus, but we were without much realizing it, as we were playing the "what do you want to do now?" "i don't know," game. suddenly, here was liz.
thanks to kilipino, we got autographs when liz came off the bus. (she had a sharpie in her purse). we also got photos. liz asked US if we wanted to take photos. thanks again to kilipino, who is known for having EVERYTHING in her purse, we have photos.
seriously, liz phair put her arm around me, put her face against mine (imagine my shock, i was trying to maintain a respectable distance so she didn't feel creeped out), and we took a picture. i was rendered so brainless, i could barely eke out a thank-you. after the oh-so-sweet interaction, we walked away, shaking.
i called my brother, and left him a message on his answering machine, which started out with me talking quietly, but finished with "LIZ PHAIR TOUCHED ME!" kilipino called her brother, who upon hearing we had in fact touched liz phair, asked 'so are you reeking of female sexuality now?' why yes, yes we were.
we get into the car (fatty had parted ways with our crazed selves). we pull up to the first stoplight, where an unsuspecting biker is waiting for the light to change. kilipino rolls down the window. and yells. "HEY! liz phair just TOUCHED MY BEST FRIEND!" the poor guy practically fell off his bike.
if you know either me or kilipino in real life, you know once the idea came to us to yell this news. . . we couldn't resist. just once wasn't enough. poor people the whole way home (and yes we took some detours) were treated to us yelling this phrase over and over. we were just so excited, we had to tell the whole world. as usual, we were each other's best audiences.
we just laughed and laughed and laughed and shouted as if this maniacal but joyous yelling confirmed that what had just taken place was not some kind of dream. it was real. i laughed so hard that night it occurred to me that i shouldn't be operating a car. my stomach hurt, my cheeks hurt, tears were streaming out of my eyes. i can remember kilipino's infectious giggle echoing down grand avenue.
it was a perfect summery night in minnesota. it was our glory ride.

on grandparents

on the way home from the grocery store, i got to thinking. . . and this is the total word-nerd in me. . . why do we call grandparents, grandparents? after all, usually, someone who comes before or above another is "super". . .supervisor, for example. then i started thinking of how funny it would be if we called our grandparents "superparents" instead. it's like they are comic book heroes with extra-special parenting skillz! i had a good giggle, picturing my grandma with a cape with a big capital J on it. yes, i know. big nerd.
but i got around to thinking that i never wrote about my grandparent-filled weekend when we went to south dakota for william's grandma's funeral. i never knew his grandpa on that side; and it'd be a big stretch to say i knew his grandma. but i have gotten to know his mom's parents, and his grandpa makes my heart ache for the ones that i haven't had since childhood.
there is something about grandpas. i want to bake them cookies and make them flirt with me and have them teach me everything there is to know.
william's grandpa's name is ernest, let's start there. perfect grandpa name, right? he's 90 years old, has nine children, and farmed his whole life. i think he still would if he could. but 90 ain't got nothin' on this guy. his mind. . . i actually don't even know any 26-year-olds with a memory like his. he remembers being three years old and sneaking into his dad's sled under the blanket to try to steal a ride into town for candy. that was EIGHTY-SEVEN years ago, in case you need the math. he remembers his dad selling a car in 1925 for $50 and a bad cow. he can tell you all about all about the destruction and aftermath of leaving nine teenager-aged childen home alone on the farm when he finally took his first vacation with his beloved wife, betty. (". . .and the snowmobile, it was up by ted henning's house. . .") he loves baseball and bingo--although he says "that's not gambling, that's recreation!" and he loves his family. he drags out large photo albums and details all their accomplishments and relatives and goings-on over the years in his fargo-like accent (tinged with a kind of stoutness that must be the polish he can also speak). he's a master of the wink. he loves the ladies. the love that he has for his wife (and she has for him) brings tears to my eyes. they have been married for sixty-something years (i hope that's right) and it's like they're still seeing each other for the first time. they live each day trying to outdo each other in acts of kindness. it's the kind of marriage that i think everyone dreams of, once they realize that they too will get old, and hopefully they will still be with that person they fell in love with before they got wrinkles and arthritis, when they still danced on friday nights.
betty tells me, "you know, ernest tells me every day that he loves me. and sometimes he forgets if he said it or not, so he'll ask, 'did i tell you i loved you yet today? well, i love you.' " her eyes twinkle when she tells me this. "i guess that's why he had nine kids."
we had a good laugh over that. but i made this little wish that william and i could still be that in love that far down the road.
it's amazing, the marks that our grandparents leave on our hearts and minds, the ghosty way that i'm still tethered to mine after so many years of them being gone. i can remember sitting at my grandma jeanne's kitchen table with grandpa bill, before we knew he was sick, and him singing 'the three little kittens' to me. and me carrying on, 'no, grandpa, no! not again!' because he knew it drove me crazy. he loved to drive kids crazy. i can remember him showing me the cookie jar and telling me that cookies were not worth eating if they weren't double-stuf oreos. i can remember him taking me to the park with my cousins, and opening up the trunk of his car, and inside it, a cooler. filled with pop. . . grape, orange, you name it. and telling me, "you can have as much of this as you want today." it was like we'd struck gold. he also bought me pink minnetonka moccasins and a care bears necklace for christmas. he really seemed to know a girl's heart.
my other grandpa was very different from my grandpa bill, from what i recall. he was quieter, a bit gentler. he loved golf. he once had a heart attack on the green. . . but finished his game before going to the hospital. (so i heard once). he loved mountain dew and doublemint gum, which he kept on a shelf above his desk. he taped shows for me off the disney channel. . .he came to regret that. annie and the secret of nimh. . . required watching every time i visited. he had a beautiful little rose garden in his backyard, which he meticulously maintained. i can remember climbing the apple tree, he putzing around in the yard. i can remember what his giggle sounded like, and that he always was jingling the change in his pocket. i loved going to their house, there was something so safe and warm there, and like there was so much to get my hands into. i don't remember my grandpas telling me many stories about growing up or any of those things, yet i still feel like i carry them around with me.
and if i'm marrying into this family, then they are kind of my grandparents too, right? i'm going to soak up as much of it as i can. tell me your stories, so that i know what it was like. and how i can live a life as decently, as love-filled, as miraculously, as you have yours.

goin' to the chapel...

and we're gonna get married on South Maluaka beach in Maui. there are some photos of the beach here. It's set! we've also chosen our officiant. He sounds great--we got to read some of the vows he does and william and I quickly came to an easy agreement! hooray for that! so there ya go...some more decisions done.

last weekend we attended the solstice film festival in our own downtown. it was woefully underattended, because the movies were so fantastic. i've still been thinking about the two we chose to see--and how they are still affecting me now.

i wanted to talk about one, because it really inspired me. (to be woefully undercreative in my description). the movie is called darius goes west, and you can find out information about it here. briefly, darius is a high schooler who has duchenne muscular dystrophy, which is a fatal disease and nearly if not the number one killer of children in america. (somthing like 1 in 3,000 kids has it). in any case, like a half dozen young guys (college) come to know darius through various means, and they decide to take him on a road trip, partly to see how handicapped accessible the U.S. is, and to get MTV to pimp his wheelchair. but they also want darius to see the world before it's too late for him, and to raise awareness about the disease so that someday we might find a cure. i laughed, i cried, and seriously, it restored some of my faith in humanity.

it also made me wonder: what am i doing that could restore some faith in humanity? what is my great passion? what should i be doing with my life? the answer is... the answer is..... i don't know. (sweetness to anyone knowing this movie reference). i hope that i find something that motivates me to go beyond myself, to lose myself in something i find THAT important. there was just so much goodness about this movie. please go see it or support it if you can.


ok then. those are my thoughts for now.

aiming for happyment

I hate to getting to waxing philosophical too much, but I’ve been thinking on a movie I saw this weekend—that was much different than I expected it to be.
William and I watched The Pursuit of Happyness, that Will Smith-and-son movie. I totally thought it would be a good story, couched in Disneyfied terms. After all, he primarily plays to a family-friendly audience, etc. I didn’t bother to check beforehand who produced the movie. Sony Pictures, not Disney. At any rate, I figured it’d be sugarcoated and it’d be a happy ending (since there really was a happy ending in the real life version) and we’d all feel warm and fuzzy and that’d be that.
It was a fantastic movie. But it was so hard to watch. Just sad, sad struggles most of the way through. An intense, stressful process. As William said, “I think that movie gave me an ulcer.” I had to work really hard not to sob—I did cry a bit, but tried not to let it devolve into one of those swollen-eyes-stuffed-nose-can’t-go-out-in-public affairs. Will Smith is great, and the chemistry between he and his real-life son transfers over to the fictional one.
It really got me to thinking about happiness though. I feel like, in the mid-20s, we’re all struggling for the things that we’ve all dreamed of as children, young adults, collegians—our friends, us, and even extending to our families, which range in age quite widely.
What are we willing to give up to be happy? If we feel like we have to give it up, then does that thing make us unhappy? How do we feel about compromise? How do we feel about unflinching dedication to either the pursuit of the perfect job, the perfect mate, perfecting a hobby, or donating our time?
I haven’t found the right balance yet. I don’t know that anyone my age has. And I think it’s a lot easier to focus on the things that are a thorn in the side than it is the good things.
Obviously, this man was an extreme example. He went from being homeless, wifeless, and prospectless—then took an UNPAID internship—managed to finagle a job through it, and all the while kept his son. But I don’t know how far I’d go to be “happy”. After all… if I lost William because I wanted some crazy job, or I lost friends because I’m devoted to William, there would be a huge hole in my life. Or if I left a job to make more money but wasn’t doing what I wanted to do. . . I would still be frustrated.
I can see the value in having an imperfect life. Nothing’s always going to be perfect, there’s always something to chase. Sometimes it’s just hard to turn it into a goal to pursue rather than just be frustrated. Or it’s hard to set the boundary.
Or sometimes, it’s easy to know you’re unhappy but not be able to pinpoint what would make it better. Now that I’ve graduated, gotten engaged, gotten a job, what are my next goals? What am I willing to do to get there?
I’m not sure yet.
Still, after all this time, I feel like Winona Ryder in Reality Bites. “How do we repair all the damage that has been done? The answer is, the answer is…I don’t know.”
I thought after awhile I’d be able to stop drawing comparisons to my own life from that movie…I guess it’s just a classic.
Right now, I don’t feel pressured to make the decision. I just want to know where I’m headed.
What I am lucky to know: I have a loving fiancé, supportive friends, a kind and generous family. I have a job in my field, a snuggler of a dog, and a home. Considering the struggles of others, I’m actually in a pretty good spot.
I am a lucky girl. I’m just trying to figure out where to aim next.