Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about how busy my life has become. I keep thinking, "Oh, after this I'll have some free time," or "Oh, once this passes I can do x, y, z."
You know what? I don't think that time is ever going to come. That really is just dawning on me in a real way.
Which means I'm going to have to learn to adapt and learn that I'm not going to be able to do everything, and that I can't judge my relative success or failure in life by the number of Yeses and Nos that I have to give people when they ask me for something--no matter how badly I want to do something.
It also means I have to prioritize. I don't like the word prioritize. it seems to suggest that some things can be truly counted as more important than others. I'm always afraid I'm going to hurt someone's feelings or let someone down. And saying "Oh, this doesn't fit on the priority list" seems like the coldest thing ever, even if I'm just saying it to myself.
And that means I have to make sure to schedule in time to spend with my husband that's not just the daily living-together stuff that any cohabitators would have. Same goes for my dog, my family, and ... myself.
It means not overcommitting so that I feel consistently overwhelmed on a weekly basis. And consistently frustrated and feeling like I failed when the to-do list spills over from week to week, month to month.
We all need time to be creative and daydream or blow off steam. It makes us more productive and happy in the long run. I wonder how long it will take me to truly take this advice for myself, no matter how much I believe it for other people.
Showing posts with label worries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worries. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
The Late 20s
My whole life, I've been something of an overachiever. I always got good grades, studied hard, held down jobs since I was 14, sometimes multiple ones; in college I balanced jobs, internships, and classes, all without needing a planner. I thrived on it.
All my life, I have had a Plan. I can say with some surety that I always wanted to be a writer. I loved books and words from a very early age—once, my sister said of babysitting me, "You were so BORING to babysit. You never wanted to do anything but read books, more, more books. I would ask if you wanted to play Barbies, or if you wanted to go outside, but you always said, 'More book!' " I sat on my dad's lap and we read the evening newspaper together often.
I knew that I wanted to get married and have a dog. And before I considered the enormous reality of having a child, I assumed that I wanted a few of those, too. (I'm not saying I don't here, it's just that I have realized the life-altering nature of it in a way I couldn't imagine even five years ago.)
As my mom says, I've always been a worrier. She says I was "3 going on 30." Only, I never thought I'd get to 30, becuase it was eons away. I spent my youth worrying and looking forward to adulthood—something my mom calls "wishing my life away"—and now I'm here.
I've entered a whole new realm of worrying lately. I'm lacking focus, in a way that I never have before. I've always been lasered in on the Future, and how if I just work really hard now, I can have whatever I want, in the Future.
This is supposed to be that Future.
But what I am realizing now, is that I'm 28 going on 30, and I have less of a Plan than ever. I've gotten my degree, started my career (actually, it's been like 5 years of career now), and I got married to the love of my life. I love my dog. We live in a beautiful loft that I'm proud to call home. And I am a big proponent of knowing that sometimes the things I don't Plan for are the best surprises in the world—better than any plan I could dream up.
Still, I can't help feeling like . . . Now what? Where do I go from here? It's not to say I don't count my blessings or enjoy small things, or celebrate my accomplishments when they come; or that I don't love the things that I've worked hard for.
What's the goal? What do I work for? How do I improve certain areas of my life? For the first time in my life, I really don't know.
I guess I thought by 28 that I'd be making decent money, traveling all over the world...young enough to have fun and enjoy life and feel inspired, but old enough to feel settled, knowing myself, and being financially stable.
Some of this is out of my control, of course: getting laid off, a noncompete agreement, plummeting property prices, a shitty economy. One thing in my control at one point, but I lost my way with—is debt.
Over the last year, I've been working really hard to pay off what I owe. It has not been easy. I've had to transform my lifestyle and scale way back. It's confronting the reality and consequences of being irresponsible in one area of my life. I've had to say no to a lot of social events I'd have loved to attend. And, oh, the outfits! The clothing budget basically went out the window. I'm three months away from being completely paid off, which is going to feel amazing. And will get me that much closer to living a life I want.
But on the other hand, I'm 28. And I'm starting to feel the heat of trying to make some important choices. When do we have kids? The clock is starting to tick, and we live in a one-room place—not exactly conducive to a family. And what about travel? So many places to see, so little time. And definitely not kid-friendly. When do we try to get an actual house? It's a buyer's market, but good luck selling our place now, no matter how cute we've fixed it up. The downtown loft living bubble burst long ago. I think this lack of focus, this carnival of wandering feelings, has even led me to avoid blogging. So I have to get it out there.
I guess what I'm thinking is that life is going fast. And yet, I don't feel ready to grind it out 9-5 for the next forty years. But what to do, then? How do I find new goals and Plans? How do I get inspired? How do I amke the most of it? How do I make it happen for my family? I only get one shot.
I know there are plenty of the-world-is-falling-down-around-our-ears going on, much worse than what I am experiencing myself. I certainly haven't lost sight of that. But does that mean we or I should accept it because "that's the way it is"? Has that ever served anyone well? Isn't it the nature of the planner to always be thinking ahead? Isn't this time time that necessity becomes the mother of invention? Isn't this the time that, more than ever, we realize the importance of pushing for peace, fulfillment, and, above all, for more than the current state of affairs has taught us to feel we deserve?
How am I supposed to make the world a better place?
I feel like I'm old enough that I should have the answers.
All my life, I have had a Plan. I can say with some surety that I always wanted to be a writer. I loved books and words from a very early age—once, my sister said of babysitting me, "You were so BORING to babysit. You never wanted to do anything but read books, more, more books. I would ask if you wanted to play Barbies, or if you wanted to go outside, but you always said, 'More book!' " I sat on my dad's lap and we read the evening newspaper together often.
I knew that I wanted to get married and have a dog. And before I considered the enormous reality of having a child, I assumed that I wanted a few of those, too. (I'm not saying I don't here, it's just that I have realized the life-altering nature of it in a way I couldn't imagine even five years ago.)
As my mom says, I've always been a worrier. She says I was "3 going on 30." Only, I never thought I'd get to 30, becuase it was eons away. I spent my youth worrying and looking forward to adulthood—something my mom calls "wishing my life away"—and now I'm here.
I've entered a whole new realm of worrying lately. I'm lacking focus, in a way that I never have before. I've always been lasered in on the Future, and how if I just work really hard now, I can have whatever I want, in the Future.
This is supposed to be that Future.
But what I am realizing now, is that I'm 28 going on 30, and I have less of a Plan than ever. I've gotten my degree, started my career (actually, it's been like 5 years of career now), and I got married to the love of my life. I love my dog. We live in a beautiful loft that I'm proud to call home. And I am a big proponent of knowing that sometimes the things I don't Plan for are the best surprises in the world—better than any plan I could dream up.
Still, I can't help feeling like . . . Now what? Where do I go from here? It's not to say I don't count my blessings or enjoy small things, or celebrate my accomplishments when they come; or that I don't love the things that I've worked hard for.
What's the goal? What do I work for? How do I improve certain areas of my life? For the first time in my life, I really don't know.
I guess I thought by 28 that I'd be making decent money, traveling all over the world...young enough to have fun and enjoy life and feel inspired, but old enough to feel settled, knowing myself, and being financially stable.
Some of this is out of my control, of course: getting laid off, a noncompete agreement, plummeting property prices, a shitty economy. One thing in my control at one point, but I lost my way with—is debt.
Over the last year, I've been working really hard to pay off what I owe. It has not been easy. I've had to transform my lifestyle and scale way back. It's confronting the reality and consequences of being irresponsible in one area of my life. I've had to say no to a lot of social events I'd have loved to attend. And, oh, the outfits! The clothing budget basically went out the window. I'm three months away from being completely paid off, which is going to feel amazing. And will get me that much closer to living a life I want.
But on the other hand, I'm 28. And I'm starting to feel the heat of trying to make some important choices. When do we have kids? The clock is starting to tick, and we live in a one-room place—not exactly conducive to a family. And what about travel? So many places to see, so little time. And definitely not kid-friendly. When do we try to get an actual house? It's a buyer's market, but good luck selling our place now, no matter how cute we've fixed it up. The downtown loft living bubble burst long ago. I think this lack of focus, this carnival of wandering feelings, has even led me to avoid blogging. So I have to get it out there.
I guess what I'm thinking is that life is going fast. And yet, I don't feel ready to grind it out 9-5 for the next forty years. But what to do, then? How do I find new goals and Plans? How do I get inspired? How do I amke the most of it? How do I make it happen for my family? I only get one shot.
I know there are plenty of the-world-is-falling-down-around-our-ears going on, much worse than what I am experiencing myself. I certainly haven't lost sight of that. But does that mean we or I should accept it because "that's the way it is"? Has that ever served anyone well? Isn't it the nature of the planner to always be thinking ahead? Isn't this time time that necessity becomes the mother of invention? Isn't this the time that, more than ever, we realize the importance of pushing for peace, fulfillment, and, above all, for more than the current state of affairs has taught us to feel we deserve?
How am I supposed to make the world a better place?
I feel like I'm old enough that I should have the answers.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
everything you do is success
so, it seems that i and many of my same-aged friends are going through these crazy life evaluations over the past year. jobs, friends, lovers, life lessons. . . it's like a second adolescence, almost. and when i look around at all my friends i see so many good things: accomplishment, success, beauty, intelligence, humor, kindness, compassion, bright futures. we are a group of overachievers, and our success far outshines our age; that is to say, we've all accomplished so much over the past few years since college, and none of us are really giving ourselves the credit we deserve. we can look at each other and see the amazing people we have become, but we fail all too often to see it in ourselves. we are all experiencing these sea changes in our lives, wondering where to go next, what we really want to accomplish and how we really want to live.
i have always had a serious dose of self-doubt in my makeup. my success is driven almost purely by my fear of failure and some lucky timing. i always figured i wouldn't get rid of the fear, so i just try to step through it every time it hits. some days go better than others. some days have panic attacks. i have never been good with change. even if i'm miserable, change is hard for me. i'm working on changing that about myself too. and i look around at my friends and i hope they don't have the same doubts that i do, because i see how futile those thoughts would be with how successful they are. but i know that they do, because although our lives are taking different shapes, we're going through the same processes.
so i start talking to people about this late-twenties phase, sometimes referred to as the quarterlife crisis (although i always thought that was right out of college). then i heard about something: the saturn return. i mean, i'd heard of it before, but it never resonated with me because that's a long way away, right?
well, i'm knocking on 27's door (a little less than a month away). saturn's coming back for me soon. (i also figure for me and my friends that we've always been a little ahead of ourselves, so that might account for some early signs ;)
in case you didn't go to the link, or you didn't think too much of it, this is the part i want to highlight: "Saturn is symbolically/astrologically associated with time, challenge, fear, doubt, confusion, difficulty, seriousness, heaviness, and hard lessons, among other more positive things such as structure, significance, accomplishment, reflection, power, prestige, maturity, and order." My doctor just told me that nearly everyone around my age needs a good therapist. now, i can see why. growing up is fraught with all of these things, encountering ever-harder decisions and situations. . . but also rewarded with bigger prizes, which can be immensely satisfying.
let's see. . . for me in the last couple of years: my dad was diagnosed with, and subsequently kicked the ass of cancer. i graduated college (ok, it was four years ago), i got a job, i got another job, i lived at home, i moved out with my boyfriend after dating only about eight months, i got a lump removed from a scary, typical place (it was benign), i had tonsillitis three times, allergic reactions and a kidney stone, i had friends that battled sickness, i bought a car, i got a dog, i got promoted (three times), i traveled to new york and aruba and hawaii, i got engaged, i'm planning a wedding, i have worked long hours, one of my best friends moved far away, i made new friends and rekindled old friendships and strengthened my current friends, i paid bills and got cavities filled. it has been a hugely rollercoaster few years since college.
i met someone recently, a middle-aged woman, who couldn't believe that i wasn't 30 yet with my job. she was shocked at how much i'd done. it was a boost for me. i'm always thinking how i might be behind the curve, or how i could get further ahead. i focus on a lot of my shortcomings. and this woman was not a friend or family--definitely not required to say anything. i was like "yeah, hey, i've done some stuff."
but of course, it didn't take long to return to wondering about my what-ifs and what-whens.
i'm rambling here, and i know it. i'm not sure how to wrap myself around all these feelings and thoughts.
i guess what i want to get across:
hey friends. you are an amazing collection of successful people. stop being so hard on yourself. i admire all of you, for different reasons.
hey kate. stop being a jerk to yourself too. if you want to live to be 90-something, you can't have all that cortisol running around in your system.
also, hey kate. enjoy your moments. someday you will look back on this and wonder why you squandered your heady time with worries.
i have always had a serious dose of self-doubt in my makeup. my success is driven almost purely by my fear of failure and some lucky timing. i always figured i wouldn't get rid of the fear, so i just try to step through it every time it hits. some days go better than others. some days have panic attacks. i have never been good with change. even if i'm miserable, change is hard for me. i'm working on changing that about myself too. and i look around at my friends and i hope they don't have the same doubts that i do, because i see how futile those thoughts would be with how successful they are. but i know that they do, because although our lives are taking different shapes, we're going through the same processes.
so i start talking to people about this late-twenties phase, sometimes referred to as the quarterlife crisis (although i always thought that was right out of college). then i heard about something: the saturn return. i mean, i'd heard of it before, but it never resonated with me because that's a long way away, right?
well, i'm knocking on 27's door (a little less than a month away). saturn's coming back for me soon. (i also figure for me and my friends that we've always been a little ahead of ourselves, so that might account for some early signs ;)
in case you didn't go to the link, or you didn't think too much of it, this is the part i want to highlight: "Saturn is symbolically/astrologically associated with time, challenge, fear, doubt, confusion, difficulty, seriousness, heaviness, and hard lessons, among other more positive things such as structure, significance, accomplishment, reflection, power, prestige, maturity, and order." My doctor just told me that nearly everyone around my age needs a good therapist. now, i can see why. growing up is fraught with all of these things, encountering ever-harder decisions and situations. . . but also rewarded with bigger prizes, which can be immensely satisfying.
let's see. . . for me in the last couple of years: my dad was diagnosed with, and subsequently kicked the ass of cancer. i graduated college (ok, it was four years ago), i got a job, i got another job, i lived at home, i moved out with my boyfriend after dating only about eight months, i got a lump removed from a scary, typical place (it was benign), i had tonsillitis three times, allergic reactions and a kidney stone, i had friends that battled sickness, i bought a car, i got a dog, i got promoted (three times), i traveled to new york and aruba and hawaii, i got engaged, i'm planning a wedding, i have worked long hours, one of my best friends moved far away, i made new friends and rekindled old friendships and strengthened my current friends, i paid bills and got cavities filled. it has been a hugely rollercoaster few years since college.
i met someone recently, a middle-aged woman, who couldn't believe that i wasn't 30 yet with my job. she was shocked at how much i'd done. it was a boost for me. i'm always thinking how i might be behind the curve, or how i could get further ahead. i focus on a lot of my shortcomings. and this woman was not a friend or family--definitely not required to say anything. i was like "yeah, hey, i've done some stuff."
but of course, it didn't take long to return to wondering about my what-ifs and what-whens.
i'm rambling here, and i know it. i'm not sure how to wrap myself around all these feelings and thoughts.
i guess what i want to get across:
hey friends. you are an amazing collection of successful people. stop being so hard on yourself. i admire all of you, for different reasons.
hey kate. stop being a jerk to yourself too. if you want to live to be 90-something, you can't have all that cortisol running around in your system.
also, hey kate. enjoy your moments. someday you will look back on this and wonder why you squandered your heady time with worries.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
here, there, and everywhere
thanks for your comments on yesterday's blog. as usual, i'd love to refine and reword and all that, but it sounds like it resonated with a few of you. i love comments, it helps me understand what you guys are all about too.
today was a hectic day, lots of meetings and appointments, rounded out by a seminar presented by the campaign for safe cosmetics, which is something i discovered about a year ago and have been interested in since. i'm too tired now to recap that, but perhaps in a future blog.
some days are just like this; leave the house at 730 am and come home at 10 pm. i don't care for that schedule much but it was an info-packed day. now i feel like i need to shut my mind off and relax.
some of you know me in real life, and some of you just know my typed words. . . and some people i know in real life might not know how much of a worrywort i am. basically, what i'm saying is, i don't know how to relax, really. i mean, give me a beach and about nine days and by day seven i might be there. but i need to learn to relax on a daily basis. reading helps; zombie-ing out in front of the tv is vaguely helpful (but not really refreshing/recharging).
so those of you out there: i'm begging (so please don't leave me hanging with no comments), how do you relax on a daily (or weekly) basis. what can i do in a half hour or so? it can be anything, even if you think it's silly. help a girl out.
today was a hectic day, lots of meetings and appointments, rounded out by a seminar presented by the campaign for safe cosmetics, which is something i discovered about a year ago and have been interested in since. i'm too tired now to recap that, but perhaps in a future blog.
some days are just like this; leave the house at 730 am and come home at 10 pm. i don't care for that schedule much but it was an info-packed day. now i feel like i need to shut my mind off and relax.
some of you know me in real life, and some of you just know my typed words. . . and some people i know in real life might not know how much of a worrywort i am. basically, what i'm saying is, i don't know how to relax, really. i mean, give me a beach and about nine days and by day seven i might be there. but i need to learn to relax on a daily basis. reading helps; zombie-ing out in front of the tv is vaguely helpful (but not really refreshing/recharging).
so those of you out there: i'm begging (so please don't leave me hanging with no comments), how do you relax on a daily (or weekly) basis. what can i do in a half hour or so? it can be anything, even if you think it's silly. help a girl out.
Monday, August 27, 2007
writing it all down
i'm starting this thing where i'd like to be writing here every day. even if it's a short entry.
william's grandma and grandpa hung calendars on their wall and recorded details of days' events, even if it was just the temperature and the amount of fish they caught. and now they have like fifty years of days where they can look back. their own farmers' almanac. something, that i'm sure will be much sweeter for their relatives to look at and remember.
back in the day, i blogged anonymously, and after a while, it was sometimes up in the two-to-four entries a day category. not all of them were good, but it was good exercise, good therapy, good practice. and now i look back and there are definitely moments there that i wouldn't remember if not for my writing. which is sad, because some things are so joyful, some are so awful... how could i forget? of course, that was anonymous blogging, and so the nature of the blogs change once you know that a)people are actually reading you, and b) that you might be writing about life experiences that might affect them--those that you know and love. that's ok though. sometimes i get afraid my memory is getting worse, which upsets me further when i think about that two of my favorite people in the whole world died from illnesses that eventually completely erased their memories and reprogrammed them with incorrect ones.
memories aren't accurate anyway. and when we write about them, i've learned, we are, in a way, cannabalizing our own memory, just like how when you play a game of telephone the words change. it's better than letting all those things get buried.
i just read one of my favorite blogs, from the back nine, and she reveals her mom's diary pages, which were often just four or five fragmented sentences that bring floods of memories back for her. or even small insights into her mother in a way she wouldn' t have understood at the time. (here i'm just conjecturing--i just feel i might be able to get that somewhere down the line).
in any case, the challenge is on for myself. i need to do more writing, be more creative, nurture that. i do love blogging, i do love writing, and therefore, i should do more of it. your comments and emails egg me on further. thanks for those. keep them coming.
ok, so on the list today besides that:
i hate money. hate it, hate it, hate it. i have to get better at managing it (although i've come a long way already, i still have a ways to go). i also need to actively seek out some freelance jobs because i need some extra cash lately. weddings! expensive! no matter how you cut it! plus a girl needs some fall work clothes, and stat. well, sort of stat. it's still august, i know.
also. i need to find some ways to focus all my nervous and bad energies. i would like to, besides write more, which often helps... work out. i know. i hate working out. i think i hate it more than the average person. but i'm getting to an age... agh... where i think my metabolism is slowing down. and no, i'm not heavy by any means, but i am out of shape and getting not toned and i'm stressed out all the time and it's good for me anyway, so i should find a way to do it, even when i'm tired and want to veg (which is all the time), and find something that's marginally fun. i think yoga and pilates would be perfect for my energy and frustration problems, but i also need to take brisk walks, do some resistance training, and maybe get some tennis in (i do so love tennis). but it's a lack of time and ... will power, i guess.
william is right now watching a show called fat march. he says "you can't even make that shit up!" is that why i'm thinking about this?
william's grandma and grandpa hung calendars on their wall and recorded details of days' events, even if it was just the temperature and the amount of fish they caught. and now they have like fifty years of days where they can look back. their own farmers' almanac. something, that i'm sure will be much sweeter for their relatives to look at and remember.
back in the day, i blogged anonymously, and after a while, it was sometimes up in the two-to-four entries a day category. not all of them were good, but it was good exercise, good therapy, good practice. and now i look back and there are definitely moments there that i wouldn't remember if not for my writing. which is sad, because some things are so joyful, some are so awful... how could i forget? of course, that was anonymous blogging, and so the nature of the blogs change once you know that a)people are actually reading you, and b) that you might be writing about life experiences that might affect them--those that you know and love. that's ok though. sometimes i get afraid my memory is getting worse, which upsets me further when i think about that two of my favorite people in the whole world died from illnesses that eventually completely erased their memories and reprogrammed them with incorrect ones.
memories aren't accurate anyway. and when we write about them, i've learned, we are, in a way, cannabalizing our own memory, just like how when you play a game of telephone the words change. it's better than letting all those things get buried.
i just read one of my favorite blogs, from the back nine, and she reveals her mom's diary pages, which were often just four or five fragmented sentences that bring floods of memories back for her. or even small insights into her mother in a way she wouldn' t have understood at the time. (here i'm just conjecturing--i just feel i might be able to get that somewhere down the line).
in any case, the challenge is on for myself. i need to do more writing, be more creative, nurture that. i do love blogging, i do love writing, and therefore, i should do more of it. your comments and emails egg me on further. thanks for those. keep them coming.
ok, so on the list today besides that:
i hate money. hate it, hate it, hate it. i have to get better at managing it (although i've come a long way already, i still have a ways to go). i also need to actively seek out some freelance jobs because i need some extra cash lately. weddings! expensive! no matter how you cut it! plus a girl needs some fall work clothes, and stat. well, sort of stat. it's still august, i know.
also. i need to find some ways to focus all my nervous and bad energies. i would like to, besides write more, which often helps... work out. i know. i hate working out. i think i hate it more than the average person. but i'm getting to an age... agh... where i think my metabolism is slowing down. and no, i'm not heavy by any means, but i am out of shape and getting not toned and i'm stressed out all the time and it's good for me anyway, so i should find a way to do it, even when i'm tired and want to veg (which is all the time), and find something that's marginally fun. i think yoga and pilates would be perfect for my energy and frustration problems, but i also need to take brisk walks, do some resistance training, and maybe get some tennis in (i do so love tennis). but it's a lack of time and ... will power, i guess.
william is right now watching a show called fat march. he says "you can't even make that shit up!" is that why i'm thinking about this?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)