aiming for happyment

I hate to getting to waxing philosophical too much, but I’ve been thinking on a movie I saw this weekend—that was much different than I expected it to be.
William and I watched The Pursuit of Happyness, that Will Smith-and-son movie. I totally thought it would be a good story, couched in Disneyfied terms. After all, he primarily plays to a family-friendly audience, etc. I didn’t bother to check beforehand who produced the movie. Sony Pictures, not Disney. At any rate, I figured it’d be sugarcoated and it’d be a happy ending (since there really was a happy ending in the real life version) and we’d all feel warm and fuzzy and that’d be that.
It was a fantastic movie. But it was so hard to watch. Just sad, sad struggles most of the way through. An intense, stressful process. As William said, “I think that movie gave me an ulcer.” I had to work really hard not to sob—I did cry a bit, but tried not to let it devolve into one of those swollen-eyes-stuffed-nose-can’t-go-out-in-public affairs. Will Smith is great, and the chemistry between he and his real-life son transfers over to the fictional one.
It really got me to thinking about happiness though. I feel like, in the mid-20s, we’re all struggling for the things that we’ve all dreamed of as children, young adults, collegians—our friends, us, and even extending to our families, which range in age quite widely.
What are we willing to give up to be happy? If we feel like we have to give it up, then does that thing make us unhappy? How do we feel about compromise? How do we feel about unflinching dedication to either the pursuit of the perfect job, the perfect mate, perfecting a hobby, or donating our time?
I haven’t found the right balance yet. I don’t know that anyone my age has. And I think it’s a lot easier to focus on the things that are a thorn in the side than it is the good things.
Obviously, this man was an extreme example. He went from being homeless, wifeless, and prospectless—then took an UNPAID internship—managed to finagle a job through it, and all the while kept his son. But I don’t know how far I’d go to be “happy”. After all… if I lost William because I wanted some crazy job, or I lost friends because I’m devoted to William, there would be a huge hole in my life. Or if I left a job to make more money but wasn’t doing what I wanted to do. . . I would still be frustrated.
I can see the value in having an imperfect life. Nothing’s always going to be perfect, there’s always something to chase. Sometimes it’s just hard to turn it into a goal to pursue rather than just be frustrated. Or it’s hard to set the boundary.
Or sometimes, it’s easy to know you’re unhappy but not be able to pinpoint what would make it better. Now that I’ve graduated, gotten engaged, gotten a job, what are my next goals? What am I willing to do to get there?
I’m not sure yet.
Still, after all this time, I feel like Winona Ryder in Reality Bites. “How do we repair all the damage that has been done? The answer is, the answer is…I don’t know.”
I thought after awhile I’d be able to stop drawing comparisons to my own life from that movie…I guess it’s just a classic.
Right now, I don’t feel pressured to make the decision. I just want to know where I’m headed.
What I am lucky to know: I have a loving fiancé, supportive friends, a kind and generous family. I have a job in my field, a snuggler of a dog, and a home. Considering the struggles of others, I’m actually in a pretty good spot.
I am a lucky girl. I’m just trying to figure out where to aim next.