so, it seems that i and many of my same-aged friends are going through these crazy life evaluations over the past year. jobs, friends, lovers, life lessons. . . it's like a second adolescence, almost. and when i look around at all my friends i see so many good things: accomplishment, success, beauty, intelligence, humor, kindness, compassion, bright futures. we are a group of overachievers, and our success far outshines our age; that is to say, we've all accomplished so much over the past few years since college, and none of us are really giving ourselves the credit we deserve. we can look at each other and see the amazing people we have become, but we fail all too often to see it in ourselves. we are all experiencing these sea changes in our lives, wondering where to go next, what we really want to accomplish and how we really want to live.
i have always had a serious dose of self-doubt in my makeup. my success is driven almost purely by my fear of failure and some lucky timing. i always figured i wouldn't get rid of the fear, so i just try to step through it every time it hits. some days go better than others. some days have panic attacks. i have never been good with change. even if i'm miserable, change is hard for me. i'm working on changing that about myself too. and i look around at my friends and i hope they don't have the same doubts that i do, because i see how futile those thoughts would be with how successful they are. but i know that they do, because although our lives are taking different shapes, we're going through the same processes.
so i start talking to people about this late-twenties phase, sometimes referred to as the quarterlife crisis (although i always thought that was right out of college). then i heard about something: the saturn return. i mean, i'd heard of it before, but it never resonated with me because that's a long way away, right?
well, i'm knocking on 27's door (a little less than a month away). saturn's coming back for me soon. (i also figure for me and my friends that we've always been a little ahead of ourselves, so that might account for some early signs ;)
in case you didn't go to the link, or you didn't think too much of it, this is the part i want to highlight: "Saturn is symbolically/astrologically associated with time, challenge, fear, doubt, confusion, difficulty, seriousness, heaviness, and hard lessons, among other more positive things such as structure, significance, accomplishment, reflection, power, prestige, maturity, and order." My doctor just told me that nearly everyone around my age needs a good therapist. now, i can see why. growing up is fraught with all of these things, encountering ever-harder decisions and situations. . . but also rewarded with bigger prizes, which can be immensely satisfying.
let's see. . . for me in the last couple of years: my dad was diagnosed with, and subsequently kicked the ass of cancer. i graduated college (ok, it was four years ago), i got a job, i got another job, i lived at home, i moved out with my boyfriend after dating only about eight months, i got a lump removed from a scary, typical place (it was benign), i had tonsillitis three times, allergic reactions and a kidney stone, i had friends that battled sickness, i bought a car, i got a dog, i got promoted (three times), i traveled to new york and aruba and hawaii, i got engaged, i'm planning a wedding, i have worked long hours, one of my best friends moved far away, i made new friends and rekindled old friendships and strengthened my current friends, i paid bills and got cavities filled. it has been a hugely rollercoaster few years since college.
i met someone recently, a middle-aged woman, who couldn't believe that i wasn't 30 yet with my job. she was shocked at how much i'd done. it was a boost for me. i'm always thinking how i might be behind the curve, or how i could get further ahead. i focus on a lot of my shortcomings. and this woman was not a friend or family--definitely not required to say anything. i was like "yeah, hey, i've done some stuff."
but of course, it didn't take long to return to wondering about my what-ifs and what-whens.
i'm rambling here, and i know it. i'm not sure how to wrap myself around all these feelings and thoughts.
i guess what i want to get across:
hey friends. you are an amazing collection of successful people. stop being so hard on yourself. i admire all of you, for different reasons.
hey kate. stop being a jerk to yourself too. if you want to live to be 90-something, you can't have all that cortisol running around in your system.
also, hey kate. enjoy your moments. someday you will look back on this and wonder why you squandered your heady time with worries.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
my veteran
those of you who know my political beliefs (and now the rest of you will know some) know already that i'm pretty opposed to war. i really do think that violence begets more violence. and i'm no genius, but i was pretty sure on 9/12 that war was imminent, and that it would be long and bloody. really, i'm nearly a pacifist. i know that doesn't work in the real world, but whatevs. i'm voting for peace.
that said, today is a special day. it's veteran's day, and my family has soldiers in it (ending with my generation). both my grandfathers served in WWII, one in europe, one in the south pacific. one of my grandpas met a woman with stigmata in germany, and my other grandpa was pictured in. . . crap. . . my memory fails. . . an important national magazine, while carrying out duties none of us should ever have to face. they were kind, decent men who went to war because they had to.
so did my dad. he was drafted when he turned 18 and sent to vietnam.
my dad is a hero.
he will never, ever, EVER tell you that, so don't even ask him. i'm telling you. It’s my opinion. And he’d be super embarrassed to hear it. And I know it conflicts wildly with my politics.
he went to vietnam, carried out his duties under the big red 1--charlie company--was wounded, was honored for his bravery, finished his tour, and was sent home honorably. a newsweek photographer happened to be following his company, and imagine my family's surprise when they saw his face on the cover of newsweek at the grocery store. (my family has a knack for media, i guess.)
he keeps his medals out of sight, and he almost never speaks of his time overseas, unless he’s telling me how I’d never make it in the army because I don’t like my food to touch on my plate, or some other benchmark of toughness I should aspire to.
But despite his relative silence on the topic, his experiences have left an indelible mark on my whole family, and I have a greater appreciation for what soldiers give up and contribute to our world. They are more than the numbers you hear on the news. They are all heroes.
A soldier who lived down the street from my parents was killed just a few months ago. In the paper this Sunday, they had a little profile about him. I didn’t know him, even though he was my parents’ neighbors (down the block), but when he died, a flag was flown outside, and lots of soldiers came to the house to honor him. He loved to make breakfast for his family and sing them songs. He learned how to quilt so he could spend more time with his wife. He gave his life for his calling (whether or not you feel that is just, or fair, or even in defense of our country). He sacrificed, and now his young family has, too.
And even if you don’t agree with the war now, there are all these soldiers—and the people affected by them; family, friends—who are awaiting their arrival home, hopefully whole, both mentally and physically.
I hope someday we get to a point where veteran’s day seems as antiquated as george washington’s birthday. . .some long-ago time, where we can’t even comprehend how people warred. (or, I guess, wore wooden dentures . . . ok, not a good analogy).
But until then, even though I oppose the war, any war, I plan to celebrate these soldiers and their lives. And my dad. Because he’s my dad. And he’s a former army man. And he’s amazing. And, really, he’s all about peace, too.
that said, today is a special day. it's veteran's day, and my family has soldiers in it (ending with my generation). both my grandfathers served in WWII, one in europe, one in the south pacific. one of my grandpas met a woman with stigmata in germany, and my other grandpa was pictured in. . . crap. . . my memory fails. . . an important national magazine, while carrying out duties none of us should ever have to face. they were kind, decent men who went to war because they had to.
so did my dad. he was drafted when he turned 18 and sent to vietnam.
my dad is a hero.
he will never, ever, EVER tell you that, so don't even ask him. i'm telling you. It’s my opinion. And he’d be super embarrassed to hear it. And I know it conflicts wildly with my politics.
he went to vietnam, carried out his duties under the big red 1--charlie company--was wounded, was honored for his bravery, finished his tour, and was sent home honorably. a newsweek photographer happened to be following his company, and imagine my family's surprise when they saw his face on the cover of newsweek at the grocery store. (my family has a knack for media, i guess.)
he keeps his medals out of sight, and he almost never speaks of his time overseas, unless he’s telling me how I’d never make it in the army because I don’t like my food to touch on my plate, or some other benchmark of toughness I should aspire to.
But despite his relative silence on the topic, his experiences have left an indelible mark on my whole family, and I have a greater appreciation for what soldiers give up and contribute to our world. They are more than the numbers you hear on the news. They are all heroes.
A soldier who lived down the street from my parents was killed just a few months ago. In the paper this Sunday, they had a little profile about him. I didn’t know him, even though he was my parents’ neighbors (down the block), but when he died, a flag was flown outside, and lots of soldiers came to the house to honor him. He loved to make breakfast for his family and sing them songs. He learned how to quilt so he could spend more time with his wife. He gave his life for his calling (whether or not you feel that is just, or fair, or even in defense of our country). He sacrificed, and now his young family has, too.
And even if you don’t agree with the war now, there are all these soldiers—and the people affected by them; family, friends—who are awaiting their arrival home, hopefully whole, both mentally and physically.
I hope someday we get to a point where veteran’s day seems as antiquated as george washington’s birthday. . .some long-ago time, where we can’t even comprehend how people warred. (or, I guess, wore wooden dentures . . . ok, not a good analogy).
But until then, even though I oppose the war, any war, I plan to celebrate these soldiers and their lives. And my dad. Because he’s my dad. And he’s a former army man. And he’s amazing. And, really, he’s all about peace, too.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
zine love
so, i work in the magazine industry. and i LOVE magazines. i can't get enough of them.
the first magazine that i remember truly loving was seventeen. my sister got me a subscription for christmas after hearing that i had been buying it on the newsstand. i think i might have been in junior high. sassy soon followed, and that became my favorite magazine. it was so fresh and smart. it wasn't all about getting a boyfriend and ditzy stuff. i remember one beauty article that made an impression on me--it was all about how much the editor loved cherry chapstick. they interviewed kurt cobain. this was my kind of world.
i have had other subscriptions along the way that have come and gone; mother jones comes to mind, the atlantic monthly. interview. spin.
now we have a schizophrenic collection of magazines coming to the loft every month: blueprint, metropolis, metropolitan home, details, espn, blueprint, entertainment weekly, glamour (after jane folded, i got the remainder of my subscription to glamour), elle decor. i buy instyle on the newsstand a lot; i buy bitch and bust on the newsstand although i should subscribe (did you know the magazines a larger percentage of money from a subscription, which is cheaper, than they do from newsstand sales?). i used to get the new yorker, which i love, but couldn't afford the renewal. i buy marie claire on the newsstand when it looks interesting or pertinent to something at my job. i get brides and modern bride, and i buy elegant bride on the newsstand, although those will go away after the wedding. don't worry. i plan to replace those with something else. . . perhaps real simple or body+soul, the new yorker again finally or domino. somewhere along the line, i got on some kind of mailing list where is tarted getting really cheap deals to subscriptions, so i just got one in the mail for a $12 national geographic. that's a good deal. i just also got marie claire, two years for $10, so i'll probably get that one too. they way i figure it, that's like buying three magazines off the newsstand, which i'd be likely to do over the next year or so, so it's worth it to me.
sometimes i dream about writing for national magazines. . . i don't know if it will ever happen on daily basis, but it'd be pretty sweet to see my name on national pages.
when i see a magazine stand (oh! the airport ones are my favorites!), my heart really starts to race. i love to see the new ideas, the old ideas repackaged into new ones, fashion spreads, beauty pages, feature stories i can devour. when one comes to our mailbox, i practically run upstairs and tune out the rest of the world while i escape into my little magazine-land. it's a living vicariously, a learning experience, a little escapism for me. i love to see things in magazines and make it happen for me without spending $1,000 on a dior dress. (of course, i'd love it even more if i could get the dior dress, but i can't imagine my lifestyle will NEVER be one where that's possible.)
last night i was at my brother's girlfriend's birthday party, where she introduced to me to her friends. her way of introduction for one friend was, "you have to meet each other because you remind me of each other. . .and you're both super stylish." i was really flattered. i love style but i always feel my wallet falls short of really being able to wear what i want (and that's not the couture stuff, it's like i'm always $80 short of what i REALLY want.) i know what my style would be if i could afford it; i see it all the time. milly is my favorite designer. but i work on buying classic pieces in nontrendy colors and hope i never get sick of black. anyway, i take a lot of cues from magazine stuff. . . sometimes it's a wide latitude though, i'm hardly a slave to trends. what i really love is 1950s and 1960s fashion. ah, i was born in the wrong decade!
anyway, i'm totally getting off-topic, and extreme home makeover (a.k.a. my weekly cathartic cry) is almost on. . . so off i go. but tell me, what are your favorite magazines?
the first magazine that i remember truly loving was seventeen. my sister got me a subscription for christmas after hearing that i had been buying it on the newsstand. i think i might have been in junior high. sassy soon followed, and that became my favorite magazine. it was so fresh and smart. it wasn't all about getting a boyfriend and ditzy stuff. i remember one beauty article that made an impression on me--it was all about how much the editor loved cherry chapstick. they interviewed kurt cobain. this was my kind of world.
i have had other subscriptions along the way that have come and gone; mother jones comes to mind, the atlantic monthly. interview. spin.
now we have a schizophrenic collection of magazines coming to the loft every month: blueprint, metropolis, metropolitan home, details, espn, blueprint, entertainment weekly, glamour (after jane folded, i got the remainder of my subscription to glamour), elle decor. i buy instyle on the newsstand a lot; i buy bitch and bust on the newsstand although i should subscribe (did you know the magazines a larger percentage of money from a subscription, which is cheaper, than they do from newsstand sales?). i used to get the new yorker, which i love, but couldn't afford the renewal. i buy marie claire on the newsstand when it looks interesting or pertinent to something at my job. i get brides and modern bride, and i buy elegant bride on the newsstand, although those will go away after the wedding. don't worry. i plan to replace those with something else. . . perhaps real simple or body+soul, the new yorker again finally or domino. somewhere along the line, i got on some kind of mailing list where is tarted getting really cheap deals to subscriptions, so i just got one in the mail for a $12 national geographic. that's a good deal. i just also got marie claire, two years for $10, so i'll probably get that one too. they way i figure it, that's like buying three magazines off the newsstand, which i'd be likely to do over the next year or so, so it's worth it to me.
sometimes i dream about writing for national magazines. . . i don't know if it will ever happen on daily basis, but it'd be pretty sweet to see my name on national pages.
when i see a magazine stand (oh! the airport ones are my favorites!), my heart really starts to race. i love to see the new ideas, the old ideas repackaged into new ones, fashion spreads, beauty pages, feature stories i can devour. when one comes to our mailbox, i practically run upstairs and tune out the rest of the world while i escape into my little magazine-land. it's a living vicariously, a learning experience, a little escapism for me. i love to see things in magazines and make it happen for me without spending $1,000 on a dior dress. (of course, i'd love it even more if i could get the dior dress, but i can't imagine my lifestyle will NEVER be one where that's possible.)
last night i was at my brother's girlfriend's birthday party, where she introduced to me to her friends. her way of introduction for one friend was, "you have to meet each other because you remind me of each other. . .and you're both super stylish." i was really flattered. i love style but i always feel my wallet falls short of really being able to wear what i want (and that's not the couture stuff, it's like i'm always $80 short of what i REALLY want.) i know what my style would be if i could afford it; i see it all the time. milly is my favorite designer. but i work on buying classic pieces in nontrendy colors and hope i never get sick of black. anyway, i take a lot of cues from magazine stuff. . . sometimes it's a wide latitude though, i'm hardly a slave to trends. what i really love is 1950s and 1960s fashion. ah, i was born in the wrong decade!
anyway, i'm totally getting off-topic, and extreme home makeover (a.k.a. my weekly cathartic cry) is almost on. . . so off i go. but tell me, what are your favorite magazines?
Saturday, November 10, 2007
hi kids.
not much to report today. just trying to focus on relaxing this weekend.
last night, william took me to our favorite thai restaurant and to see michael clayton. he knew thai iced tea and a little george clooney might lift the dark cloud over my head lately. rockin'! i was excited to go on a date. i even got a little dressed up with my new blazer and some ginormous gold earrings.
tonight promises more fun: a gopher hockey game with our friend fatty, followed by my brother's girlfriend's birthday party.
it's rainy and cold out, and has been dark and gray all day. despite that, we have managed to clean a lot of our place up (whoa, it needed it) and run a couple errands. at least some productivity!
ok, off i go. . . i know that's super boring.
not much to report today. just trying to focus on relaxing this weekend.
last night, william took me to our favorite thai restaurant and to see michael clayton. he knew thai iced tea and a little george clooney might lift the dark cloud over my head lately. rockin'! i was excited to go on a date. i even got a little dressed up with my new blazer and some ginormous gold earrings.
tonight promises more fun: a gopher hockey game with our friend fatty, followed by my brother's girlfriend's birthday party.
it's rainy and cold out, and has been dark and gray all day. despite that, we have managed to clean a lot of our place up (whoa, it needed it) and run a couple errands. at least some productivity!
ok, off i go. . . i know that's super boring.
Friday, November 9, 2007
tgif
seriously.
i have had a lonnnng week. when i got home, william was ready to go! we're going on a date! hooray! it's just what i need, and he knows it. now i get to get cute and go dinner-and-a-movie-ing. george clooney. yum!
also, could i love holiday collections of cosmetics any more? i doubt it.
(i was planning a longer blog, but we're hading out and i might not be home til midnight which technically would no longer be today. longer blog tomorrow.)
i have had a lonnnng week. when i got home, william was ready to go! we're going on a date! hooray! it's just what i need, and he knows it. now i get to get cute and go dinner-and-a-movie-ing. george clooney. yum!
also, could i love holiday collections of cosmetics any more? i doubt it.
(i was planning a longer blog, but we're hading out and i might not be home til midnight which technically would no longer be today. longer blog tomorrow.)
Thursday, November 8, 2007
groundhog's day
So, do you remember that book "alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day"?
substitute my name. and make day plural.
unfortunately it's not something i should get into here, but suffice it to say i'm drained and tired and something like frustrated.
and that leaves me with no drive to do anything besides get busy at throwing a pity party and watch the office.
if anyone else wants to join me, i'm over here, on my couch, in my bathrobe, eating brie.
substitute my name. and make day plural.
unfortunately it's not something i should get into here, but suffice it to say i'm drained and tired and something like frustrated.
and that leaves me with no drive to do anything besides get busy at throwing a pity party and watch the office.
if anyone else wants to join me, i'm over here, on my couch, in my bathrobe, eating brie.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
maui, take me away
i'm sort of at a loss tonight for a blog. i've been gone all night, again, and i have a flurry of thoughts i'm just not able to articulate at this exact moment. i've also been going to bed waaaay too late this week, unable to wind down, and it is making getting up in the morning pure torture.
i did want to comment on something nanette said (can i use her any more in this blog? you'd think she was paying me or something. it turns out i just enjoy her blog), though, which is that you probably wonder how i could possibly be an editor without ever using capital letters, or, even being creative very often. i'm still working on that transition between working-writing and home-writing, and i find not editing myself so much to be extremely liberating. plus i hate the shift key. as it turns out, i have crazy attention-to-detail skills when i feel like (or am being paid) to use them. (*i freelance, people, and i guarantee results*). hey, i have won spelling bees!
i'm so glad it's wednesday. this week is going ridiculously slowly. must. get. to. weekend.
wedding updates: we have booked our flight! we are getting married in hawaii and we have transportation there! six and a half months. that is coming up fast, when you consider december will fly by with holidays, work schedules, and my lovely kilipino coming home to visit from paraguay-land. we should really get going on registering, sending save-the-dates, and the like. like, really really.
;)
i did want to comment on something nanette said (can i use her any more in this blog? you'd think she was paying me or something. it turns out i just enjoy her blog), though, which is that you probably wonder how i could possibly be an editor without ever using capital letters, or, even being creative very often. i'm still working on that transition between working-writing and home-writing, and i find not editing myself so much to be extremely liberating. plus i hate the shift key. as it turns out, i have crazy attention-to-detail skills when i feel like (or am being paid) to use them. (*i freelance, people, and i guarantee results*). hey, i have won spelling bees!
i'm so glad it's wednesday. this week is going ridiculously slowly. must. get. to. weekend.
wedding updates: we have booked our flight! we are getting married in hawaii and we have transportation there! six and a half months. that is coming up fast, when you consider december will fly by with holidays, work schedules, and my lovely kilipino coming home to visit from paraguay-land. we should really get going on registering, sending save-the-dates, and the like. like, really really.
;)
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