Today, in Bullet Points

People, I'm overloaded. Can't do any decent writing today. But I know you're just waiting on edge to hear what I've been up to, so here we go:

• Scraped my car windows not one, not two, not three, but FOUR times.
• Checked the snow emergency website like FIVE times.
• Drove all the way to work and then all the way back, so I could work from home and avoid rush hour.
• Felt grateful for my sweet little SUV, which powered me through the snow like nobody's business.
• Got a phone call from my auto body buddy, who asked how my new car was doing.
• Sang along to the radio.
• Did some research about British English and the differences between British English and American English.
• Ate some reheated hot-and-sour soup. And a box-made Ghiradelli dark-chocolate brownie (They are SO GOOD).
• Cooked dinner—honey-soy glazed chicken with bell peppers and snap peas stir-fry—with my handsome husband.
• Did the dishes.
• Went to the bank, dropped off dry cleaning, chauffered the dog, got crunched at the chiro.
• Daydreamed about the trip we're taking in less than TWO WEEKS!
• Heard my massage therapist warning me to stop carrying the weight of the world.
• Edited some fun stuff.
• Gave the UPS customer service people an earful.
• Listened to some new mp3s: Charlotte Gainsbourg, Regina Spektor.
  
• Made more to-do lists.

To do, to do, to do. . . . . .

Range of Motion

Every day lately has been about how to get everything possible done and understood and taken care of. Details, details, details. Confusing forms. Deadlines. Putting trust in people I've never seen before. Confusing phone calls. Decisions upon decisions upon decisions.

Do you ever get to the point where you're like, I cannot make ONE MORE decision? I have this limit. A few nights ago, I was heading home late after a long talk with my mom and realized...we probably had nothing for dinner. So I called Wm, and asked what we should do. We started to play the "I don't know ... what do you want to do?" game. Normally, one of us would volunteer something and we'd go with it and move on. But instead, I forcefully said "I cannot decide. Please just decide for me." Then he did, I disagreed, and went ahead and decided anyway.

But that's kinda where I am at. I have roiling in my stomach, in my heart, in my mind. Everything feels locked up and storming.

Of course, this is all exacerbated by the lack of sleep these days. It's a mix of being uncomfortable and muscle aches, not being able to breathe, and all this roiling. And then the not-sleep feeds into more roiling. A gross cycle to be sure.

Tonight was the first night in a couple of weeks that I decided to trust that my body was healing. I went to the gym and did yoga.

Here's what surprised me. Some things were as though nothing had changed. My muscles remembered and didn't fight me. I sunk right into it. I felt my mind clear, my lungs lighten, my circulation moving. Everything just feels... mostly right again.

But.

My range of motion with my arms? Not what it was pre-accident. I didn't push it, but I was surprised when reaching my arm up and over my head ... just didn't go. Or when I brought my arms behind my back and they just. Didn't. Want. To.

I have been coming to terms with the fact that yes, I walked away from my accident and nothing serious is wrong with me. But that also, that was a really, really close call. And ... I'm not quite better yet. And I'm kind of like, come on, body! Stop betraying me and get better!

But I'll tell you what. My dancer's pose is looking pretty sharp. And when I can unburden myself of all these forms and information and insurance—all the buzzy noises in my life right now—I can still find a small piece of inner calm. And I'm willing to reach for more.

And in a couple short weeks, I'll be far, far away. Hopefully closer to 100 percent than I am today. Reaching, reaching, reaching. Awesome.

Frenetic

Things seem to be happening in such rapid succession that I don't know where to begin, or end, or even write anything worth reading.

So, for half of January, I was either sick, hurt, at the doctor, or without a car. It was not a stellar month. That's putting it mildly. I'm still not through the Leaning Tower of Paperwork. I haven't crossed a DAMN THING of my to-do list. I'm overwhelmed.

...Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming...

February begins!

My body is still clinging to a cold that I can't seem to make GO AWAY. I've only had it for like, uh, four days or so, but I'm ready to be done. So it can vacate the premises any time. I haven't slept a full night in what feels like an eon. I would really, REALLY like to do that. Like, a lot.

Still have paperwork. Loose ends.

I haven't exercised. I really need to.

I got a car! Yeah, buried the lead on that one. But, I got a car! It's an...SUV! A little one, anyway. I ended up with a RAV4. She goes like hell through the snow, she's small and handles like a car, she's silver and sassy. She needs a name. All submissions considered.

We are less than a month from our trip overseas. All the planning and thought that had to get put off in January? Yeah, that needs to be done now.

Oh yeah, so does EVERYTHING ELSE.

Excuse me while I go have a heart attack.

Stress Level: Orange

Hi.

I have been away for the following reasons:

1. I am buried in bureaucratic paperwork due to having a totaled car. (Once again, thanks dude, for totaling a car that I owed $560 on.)
2. I am running around like crazy makin' the copies and signing papers and not sure if I'm signing my life away or just getting money for my car.
3. I had a wicked reaction to travel vaccinations, two days with fever and chills and vomitous feelings.
4. On the heels of that, I developed a nice head cold (time to haul out the Neti pot).
5. I'm fitting in regular chiro appointments, work, regular errands, general Mo-chauffeuring... and no exercise yet.
6. I have slept like crap for about, oh, wait, 14 days.
7. Oh, that's right, I have a rental car 'til Monday, won't have a check for my car 'til end of next week if I'm lucky, and car dealerships close early on Fridays and aren't open on Sundays in good ol' MN.
8. So, lessee: Hurt, sick, sick, paperwork I don't understand, no sleep....

I'm kinda freaking out.

Want to help me?
I'm doing online research about cars.

Please answer the following:

What kind of car do you drive?
Do you like it? Why?
Is there anything you'd change about it? What?
Do you hate it? Why?
What would you do differently/would you buy the same car again?
Are you a new or "pre-owned" person? Why?

Baby steps

Today I worked for SIX HOURS.

SIX!

I sat at a desk, dressed semiprofessionally, and did WORK!

I drove my gigantically unnecessary rental car all the way there and all the way back! And I didn't freak out or hurt too badly. I did ache. But ache is not a dealbreaker. Not in this town. Nosireebob!

After that six hours I went to the chiropractor and got crunched and then got rolled out like pizza dough by a massage therapist. (blog post to come on this experience.)

And after two, TWO appointments, I'm starting to feel like my pre-accident self. It is not perfect, but I can turn my head! Like, almost all the way that it's supposed to turn! In both directions!

Now, if I could get rid of this base-of-skull pounding and neckache, I'd be all set. Aaaaaalll set.

Well, That's What I Get for Resolving to Be Happy

Oh, you know, FOUR days from my "I'm a Pollyanna" blog post, I got a swift kick in the ass. Or rather, a Frito Lay truck through the passenger side of my poor, poor Elantra. That's what I get, man.

I was minding my own damn business, driving to work. I stopped at a light. The light turned green. I went through the light, you know, LIKE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO, and was promptly T-boned by a Frito-Lay delivery truck. I'm not sure he even saw the light. He did, however, give me the kind courtesy (NOT) of honking his horn a mere split second before he smashed my poor vehicle to bits. It pushed me over a lane, but luckily no one was there to collide with.

It was right out of a movie. He honked, I looked right, his entire truck crashed into my car. My whole window was filled with a photo of the Frito-lay logo.

My car is totaled, and I'm sore. Really, really sore. Headaches, muscle aches. Bad enough to take some Vicodin and Flexeril. But, three days later, I am feeling like I'm heading toward healing. now it's just chiropractic/massage therapy for a while.

Yet, although I'm sad about losing my Tupperware Vehicle THREE PAYMENTS from owning it outright...

It could have been so much worse. I could have been seriously injured or killed. I could have had someone in the car with me. They would be hospitalized for sure. I could have hit someone else as a result.

I have a job, I have a source of income to make payments on a new car if I have to. I have health insurance. I have car insurance. I am surrounded by friends and family who are lawyers, doctors, and auto-body mechanics. I know they will do right by me. I was not hit by an uninsured driver, a drunk driver. I was hit by a deliveryman, who has the backing of a corporation. Hopefully they'll cut me a check, and this will all be over.

Until then, I have some major drugs to help me along, I have a few days to recover without pressure from my job, I have parents, siblings, and a husband who are helping me in all the ways they can.

So, really, it's as good as it can be without erasing what happened at 8:45 Thursday morning.

And maybe that still makes my 2010 pretty flippin' awesome.

PS It was national delurking day and I missed it, because I was busy getting smashed into. have some pity and delurk late, k? I could use the company on this-here couch.

For the next year

It's been really, really hard for me to put into words what I want to do in 2010. Not because I don't have ideas, but because I want to really be able to put those ideas into action. I want them to be lifestyle changes and life choices, both tangible and intangible. I want to be able to commit to them fully, and I want them to be reachable. I totally understand the need to make goals—things you reach for—but I don't want to feel like I fall short.

It's almost like last year was a hibernation. Trying to insulate myself from the outside world, hunkering down and battening down the hatches. Escaping so much of the negative that took place.

Overall, that strategy didn't work. Lesson learned. I still felt sad and defeated, frustrated and outraged, by so much that happened—and definitely not just personally. It was the national psychology of 2009, it seems, except, it seems, for those who married or gave birth. For those of us just living daily life, many of us limped along, momentarily buoyed by friends' or families' big days.

2010 does feel different already. Maybe last year was a time for introspection. A dormant period before buds burst into full bloom.

In 2010, I will...be happy.

Here are things that I think will get me there, and why:

Travel
I am a true Sagittarian. Although I feel comforted by routines and control, I crave new experiences, particularly when they involve meeting new people and seeing new places. I love learning about other cultures, customs, and habits. I love to be immersed in new information. It's what led me to study journalism and political science, it's part of what fuels my mostly outgoing nature.

I'm planning an incredible trip to one of my top five destinations of all time, Thailand. As you may already know, my best friend is living there, and I finally am in a place where I can afford to take a big trip, after two-years-plus of credit card debt payback, losing my job, getting married, weddings, babies, and finally opening a savings account. It's coming up fast, and trust me, there will be more blog posts about this in the near future.

But, depending on my finances, I want to make an effort to travel more. I want to see my other best friend on the East coast, Wm's two best friends on the East Coast, and who knows what, who, and where else. For Christmas, I got a GPS. I think it will be time for short road trips, too. Get out into the world, get out of my head. Get inspiration.

Appear in a national magazine and/or on a nationally read website
Yep. This has been a goal of mine for a while. Like, at least as long as I've had this blog, if not from the time I was about four. I've been working hard, and finding new freelance projects, but I need to plunge ahead. No more excuses, just straight up creating, thinking, writing, writing, editing, writing, querying. I CAN do this.

Bring the blog up a notch
Blog more, blog better. New design. More interaction between blogs. It's time.

Be more plan-minded
I was just commenting to my handsome husband that dinners have been better, better for us, and less stressful lately. I've been using my subscription to Martha Stewart's Everyday Food (thanks, Mom!) to plan a couple weeks' worth of dinners, and then following through. We have less to toss out, more leftovers for lunches, and overall, I think we feel good. None of that "I don't know, what do you want?" "Um, I dunno. What do you want?" and settling for snacking business.

Now I need to make that a habit (I do the grocery shopping; we split cooking and cleaning up) and make that a habit elsewhere in my life.

Attack to-do lists with gusto, follow through with them so that I can feel accomplished, not exhausted by procrastination.

Do small things throughout the week to clean up rather than having to spend half a Saturday to clean up. Even 10 to 15 minutes will make a difference.

Outcome: I will feel less stressed, which will allow me to concentrate on things that make me happy. I won't be worried about getting stuff done, so I can think about what I CAN do.

Make appearances at the Y several times a week
In-reach goal: Three times weekly.

Ideal goal: Five times weekly.

Two really good things happened to me in 2009: I started exercising, and I kept exercising.

You guys, it's changing my life. I can feel it. And I can't believe it. I am not athletic, I have always pretty much hated sports, I'd prefer to read a book and eat a pound of cheese while I'm at it. I am not the best in class, I don't rise to the top when it comes to weightlifting, I can't touch the floor in forward fold in yoga.

But I'm improving, each time I go. I sweat, my heart races, my face gets unnaturally red. But you know what? My body is changing shape. I have previously-unheard of levels of energy. Just the other morning I was in the bathroom getting ready for work, and unconsciously singing to myself. I overheard Wm say to Mo: "Who is that strange lady in the bathroom?" It's true. I get out of bed more easily (mornings still suck, don't worry; I am not a mere shadow of my former self yet), I have more energy to do things after work, I feel increasingly motivated and capable of accomplishments. I have less stomachaches, which makes me happy, and I get things done, which makes me happy.

The number on the scale is simply one measurement. I've maybe lost four pounds. But I look different, and most importantly, I FEEL different. This is just the beginning.

Commit to friends and family
I recently read something in Real Simple that struck me. It was the "Your Words" section, where readers respond to a question. This month's question, appropriately, was "What will you do differently this year?"

One woman answered that she would put her husband first. At first, feminist-Katie kneejerk-reaction was like "Uh..." But the rest of the quote really hit home. "We each work two jobs and have family, volunteer, and social commitments, so we're exhausted at the end of the day. he deserves the best of me—not what's left over after I'm done with everything else."

I feel like that applies to a lot of people in my life, not just my husband. My parents, my siblings, my nearest and dearest. I don't want any of them to get what's "left over." Everyday life can be hard: we're all busy, stressful, overloaded. But friends and family—they should get the best of me. Especially my husband and my dog.

This is an area for huge improvement for me. I feel most vital when I make connections with my loved ones (and meet new people who could become dear friends). It's time to be mindful of that, not just skate through every day, hoping to be a good person.

Live small, in order to live large
In the last year or two, I've really realized that living small might be the key to feeling truly enriched. That requires forethought and commitment, two things I was never that big on up until now. I just thought that naturally happened. Wakeup call: It Doesn't.

I don't want to be a flaky friend or ditzy colleague. I don't want to find myself saying any of the words "could've, should've, would've." I want to say "will, can, did." I want to have the resources I need—emotionally, physically, financially—to make the best of every situation.

It means saying no once in a while (or a lot). It means planning ahead. It means committing to make time for those emotional, physical, and financial investments. It means not wanting so much. It means being grateful for what I have, instead of always wishing it was different. It means checking myself when I start to tilt too far to one side.

I can feel this nearly seismic change in my life already. I know that I have the tools I need to at least get started. I can learn a lot this year. I can change a lot this year. I can love a lot this year. I can be the person I want to be, when I want to be it.

I am capable.

I am happy. And I will do the things I can control to keep me there. The rest will happen, and I will meet it head-on. It's the new, improved me.