Two Weeks

Two weeks from now, I will be in Hawaii, and four days from my wedding. We will officially, legally, be a "we," although we have been a "we" since about July 25, 2005. Our first date was July 8, and I can honestly say I was in love with William on our second date. I didn't tell him that until much later, but I was.

I remember what he wore. It was a hot, hot, fry-eggs-on-the-sidewalk July afternoon. He had on this baby blue t-shirt and khaki cargo shorts, and I can remember thinking, as my hair whipped around my face while driving down the freeway with him that he was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen in my whole life, and he had been in front of my face for years. It was our second "date," although we were just hanging out, and I think it was a Sunday afternoon.

We beat the heat by going to the mall for a while, but neither of us really wanted to shop. So we went into Barnes and Noble, and we sat on the floor and looked at art books together. As if that wasn't enough to capture my heart, we went home, and he wanted to play me a song on his iPod. We listened to it togther, one earphone for each of us, sitting so close I was sure he could hear my heart beating.

I get butterflies just thinking of that moment.

The chemicals in our brains don't really allow us to return to those fleeting first moments of dating, where, at the time, it feels like agony, but later, you sometimes wish you could recapture. but when I think about him, tan and handsome in his light blue shirt, twinkling hazel eyes (oh, his eyes) and offering me an earphone, I get all twitterpated and giggle.

I am more in love than I could have ever imagined a person can be. Maybe that's totally sickening. But it's completely true. william makes me laugh like....forty times a day. He treats me with respect and kindness. He goes shopping with me. We have funny conversations, we have serious conversations, and sometimes we just sit silent in front of the tv, or he paints and I write. We usually disagree what music to listen to, but we like the same kinds.

I have a true partner in William. In every sense of the word. I feel so lucky. So, so, so lucky. There is no doubt in my mind that he is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life, and that is fulfilling in a way that I cannot even describe. It's overfilling, more than fulfilling.

William came home from work yesterday and says to me: I was planning to go on this bike ride, but now it has to get moved. And when they changed the date, I just automatically said yes, since I wanted to go. Then I realized it was two weeks from now, a nd we'll be in Hawaii! We're at the point where people are making plans in advance, that are not so in advance, and we won't be here.

The excitement on his face showed. I started to laugh.

William says: We are leaving in TWO WEEKS.

I say: I know!

And we just sort of stare at each other, like . . . this is it!

This. Is. It.

I have dreams every night about all the things that can go wrong (and do), but oddly, I don't think about those during the day. it's been an overwhelming almost-two-months during this layoff. Tumultuous does not even begin to describe the peaks and valleys of the last 50 days. I feel like I'm at that point on a rollercoaster where you look down before the first drop and think, We are not going any higher than this. This is already way too high.

I know we have a few more chik-chik-chiks before we reach the top and I can look down with certainty that this is it, the top, are we ready? And then my stomach will be two stories above my body, where suddenly the chain lets go and I hear almost nothing at all except the sharp intake of breath I'm saving for the most exciting moment.