Wake me up before you go-go

I think it's pretty well documented that I am not a morning person. I blame this squarely on a combo of my parents' night-owl genes (neither of them are much for mornings, or weren't) and thyroid disease. Once I developed thyroid disease, my sleep was never the same. I often feel tired, and when I hit the pillow, I'm down for the count. I rarely remember my dreams.

But I think the anticipation of this wedding has taken a fierce hold. I often feel pumped with adrenaline, wanting to be productive, wondering what I can conquer next. In the mornings, the alarm goes off for William, and trained like a cube prisoner that I was, I roll over and hit the sleep button. He always gets out of bed before the second alarm goes off, but I never realize it. I roll over to tell him to get up with the second alarm, only to find a rumpled mass of covers and the hear the sound of the shower running. I often doze while he gets ready, but he wakes me before he leaves, gently chiding me, "Wake up, love. Time to make the big bucks!" While my body-clock MO feels like I could sleep for hours more, once he closes and locks are door, all sleep bets are off. I'm usually out of bed 10 minutes later and planning my day. I can remember dreams, laced with anxiety: books I forgot to bring to class, running late for the ceremony, not getting my sandals in time.

Two Saturdays ago, I had a shower thrown in my honor at my future mother-in-law's home. It was so lovely. As soon as I get photos, I will post more details. I set my alarm that morning to make sure I'd be up early enough to get ready and not be rushed.I didn't need the alarm. I think I was bleary-eyed but awake around 7 am. I laid there for a while but eventually the butterflies propelled me out of bed. The following Saturday was a little more subdued and both William and I slept in til 11—super late for us these days. It felt heavenly. that might be my last sleeping-in until after the wedding.

Sunday I had my bridal shower thrown by my two best girls, Cindy and Sooz. Ding! Awake at like 8. This is just not ME, people. (Again, more shower details when I get photos). I was over there an hour early, just hanging around at my sister's house, because well, I was driving myself crazy at home. I was nervous. I never used to mind attention, but the older I get, the more I'd like to just show up at the party, and enjoy it, than be the guest of honor. Not that I don't appreciate the effort—I really and truly do, and they did an amazing job. There's just a lot of pressure, being that person.

Freelance work is also keeping me busy and creating a certain amount of anxiety—to get it all done in time, to have it done well, to hit the deadlines, to keep myself focused. Since I have been busy with invites and guest lists and rental stuff for the backyard, it makes it even harder. And with boxes lying around with shiny new appliances and electrics and nesting bowls and everything else, I couldn't even concentrate yesterday. I have another two or three freelance jobs lined up. They aren't glamorous but they are good and steady and a paycheck and a way to support myself a little while longer. I also had a big opportunity come through for some regular freelance work that I am pretty excited about, so we'll see how that goes. I'll keep you posted.

So today, after all that sleep talk—I'm exhausted. I can't seem to wake up from the dream-sludge state, despite my invigorating shower and grapefruit aromatherapy and tea and everything else. Again, this morning, as soon as I heard William's voice—I was up, even though we were up until midnight planning the backyard layout for the reception and talking budget for the wedding. I was so keyed up when we went to bed, I had to read to calm down. In the words of Penny Lane from Almost Famous—it's all happening. And I don't want to waste time sleeping, in case I miss it all.