morning

this morning, when i woke up, i rolled over, opened my eyes, and saw william looking straight at me. (he was probably willing me to wake up with his eyes.)
i have no idea what i looked like, although i imagine it was bleary-eyed and probably squinchy-faced.
he smiled at me. i maybe tenatively smiled back.
he said: "I love you. I love you so much I'm marrying you. I love you!"
we're getting married. it's getting more and more real as the time passes. which is normal i suppose.
we finished our save the dates for the most part. just a few stragglers left that i'm getting addresses for or some little detail for. but they're going out this week.
when we finished printing, addressing, stuffing, sealing. . . william said "well, it's real now! no going back!"
not every day is easy or perfect or sometimes even peaceful.
but most mornings, i wake up, and william is smiling at me. and we go to bed, and he tells me he loves me. i say it back, of course.
sometimes my heart just wants to explode.
he loves me even when i'm horrible and ugly in the morning.


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saw juno this weekend. laughed and bawled. loved it. had a VERY real dream that iw as pregnant that night. i got bigger as the dream went on, i broke the news to people, one of my best friends told me she would throw me a shower. i was nervous but happy. it's weird that i'm getting to a point where this could actually happen. it won't anytime soon, but it could. and that's weird. growing up.

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i actually had a rather romantic weekend with william. we went on a date on friday! dinner and a movie. went to great waters brewing company for burgers and beers--both were good. they are a microbrew downtown. we walked, and it was warmish outside, but flakes were falling. we don't live in our neighborhood enough; i was glad to walk somewhere, have dinner at a local joint, walk back. hearing the crunch-squeak-crunch under our feet, praying not to slip, flakes hitting our eyelashes, steamy breath in the air. it was just. nice.

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saturday was the save the dates extravaganza. i'm lucky william likes to be so involved with wedding planning. then no one has to feel put-upon to help me. they can just enjoy the festivities. he is also designing our invites, although the time we poured into the save-the-dates definitely convinced hiim that hiring out the job was far preferable than doing those. i am dying for letterpress invites; i'm obsessed with letterpress. i wish i had my own press!

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i have been doing more thinking about this new year's resolutions thing. i have done a little, but not enough, exercising. i took a fairly significant amount of money from my bonus at christmas to put toward my debt.
but i think the other resolution i should work on is being more in the moment. celebrating more good things. so often i let myself get preoccupied with the "little stuff". i should be done with that. after all, it's really bad for your health. seriously. too much cortisol in your body, too much anxiety...and for what? i won't worry less, but i'm going to try. or at least enjoy the hell out of the other stuff so that it far outweighs my stupid little worries.

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the budget bride continues. today i nabbed what i think will be my wedding clutch. it's hot pink! and has a big bow on it! it's from the hollywould collection that was at target. it was originally $19.99, but i even balked at that, and ended up getting it on clearance for $9.99 this morning. i'm kinda proud of our budget wedding. we'll splurge on some things, of course--we are going to hawaii after all--but other things we've managed to keep costs really reasonable. and get most, if not all, the things we've wanted so far. my two bridesmaids dresses and mine added together total less than $225. total. for all three dresses. and they were all $250 or $500 dresses. we did our own save-the-dates. we will get a good deal on our invites. so far, everything has been fairly manageable. one thing we're doing on our honeymoon, and subsequently part of the reason we did small, small birthdays and christmas this year, is that we're going to take a helicopter ride through the grand canyon of the pacific on kauai. but i was looking on line and found a great deal if you pre-book. it was much more reasonable than i thought . . . for an hour of helicopter ride. my only hope is that i don't freak. i don't like flying. actually it scares the shit out of me, and i usually xanax up for flights. but i can't do that for this! maybe a glass of wine or a half a benedryl or something. . . .or maybe i'll suck it up and maybe it will be so awesome i'll never take a xanax again.

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went shopping today. found the greatest pair of heels. i am in so love. will take photo. i owe a lot of photos, i realize. went with my girlfriends. it seems like it gets harder to carve out time for friends, but i seriously cherish the time we have together. we laugh, we shop, we talk. the talking's my favorite part. even when i find in-love-with-them heels. and i seriously respect their opinions.

wow! this is a long one, so i'm signing off.