hi kids.
to those of you reading this blog, whomever you may be:
i know i haven't been around much lately, i know i've seemed really busy.
the truth is: none of it is that interesting, and certainly not more important than you.
huge changes are afoot at the job.
having a dog. huge responsibility, esp. when she refuses to behave when you leave her alone.
i haven't sleep decently since returning from the cabin (where i slept like the dead).
basically, without excuses, i am overwhelmed and frequently exhausted. (and, that leads to upsetness too).
so.... remember, i love you!!! and i'm working on getting it all straightened out.
i want a wonderful summer.
a few good things:
watching molly run around like her tail was on fire at the cabin. not because her tail was literally on fire, but because she was enjoying the pure freedom of no leash roaming. watching her jump off the dock and swimming to chase ducks away.
seeing william going fishing with my dad and brother.
reading lots of books (just finished the world according to garp, almost done with plainsong, both very very good, very very different).
recommending good books to people.
getting a blog written about me!
winning a tablecloth from another blog. (www.hostessblog.com)
my parents taking molly every day while we work
yummy veggies and fruits from kowalskis
smelling lake smell
hot stone massage
a year from getting married!
that's it for now. thanks kids. love ya.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
gone fishin'
this weekend, we're taking off and gettin' out of town. it's about that time. memorial day weekend---ahhhh. the first breath of summer. even if it's already been 90 degrees here and this weekend promises highs no better than 60 degrees. i guess i'll be packing my sweatshirts and sweatpants (there is a strict dress code--nothing uncomfortable, or unpractical. this is the superior example of function over fashion.) as my parents used to say, back when i was young and ridiculously concerned with myself, "this is not a fashion show." yeah i guess not.... many times i prefer to wear my dad's quilted down jacket, covered in camouflage.
doesn't matter. i'll buy my fishing license and drop a line in the water instead of writing lines at work. i'll drink some strongbow and play some cribbage. i'll read and nap. i'll listen to the northwoods, one of the best collages of sound ever to be made. don't need a rock club up there. don't need a mall.
i'll go with william and the rest of my family, and it will be loads of good food, laughter, and rest and relaxation.
it really is one of my most favorite things i do all year.
doesn't matter. i'll buy my fishing license and drop a line in the water instead of writing lines at work. i'll drink some strongbow and play some cribbage. i'll read and nap. i'll listen to the northwoods, one of the best collages of sound ever to be made. don't need a rock club up there. don't need a mall.
i'll go with william and the rest of my family, and it will be loads of good food, laughter, and rest and relaxation.
it really is one of my most favorite things i do all year.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
12 months
it is one year from our proposed actual wedding date. i am starting to get emails from theknot and brides.com reminding me "12 months to go! here's what you need to do!" and i am feeling excited and good about it all. and that is such a cool, cool thing.
it's weird to think i'll be someone's bride, someone's wife. someone will be my groom and my husband.
but damn, i got a good one! and i think this is going to be an amazing adventure.
it's weird to think i'll be someone's bride, someone's wife. someone will be my groom and my husband.
but damn, i got a good one! and i think this is going to be an amazing adventure.
Monday, May 21, 2007
aiming for happyment
I hate to getting to waxing philosophical too much, but I’ve been thinking on a movie I saw this weekend—that was much different than I expected it to be.
William and I watched The Pursuit of Happyness, that Will Smith-and-son movie. I totally thought it would be a good story, couched in Disneyfied terms. After all, he primarily plays to a family-friendly audience, etc. I didn’t bother to check beforehand who produced the movie. Sony Pictures, not Disney. At any rate, I figured it’d be sugarcoated and it’d be a happy ending (since there really was a happy ending in the real life version) and we’d all feel warm and fuzzy and that’d be that.
It was a fantastic movie. But it was so hard to watch. Just sad, sad struggles most of the way through. An intense, stressful process. As William said, “I think that movie gave me an ulcer.” I had to work really hard not to sob—I did cry a bit, but tried not to let it devolve into one of those swollen-eyes-stuffed-nose-can’t-go-out-in-public affairs. Will Smith is great, and the chemistry between he and his real-life son transfers over to the fictional one.
It really got me to thinking about happiness though. I feel like, in the mid-20s, we’re all struggling for the things that we’ve all dreamed of as children, young adults, collegians—our friends, us, and even extending to our families, which range in age quite widely.
What are we willing to give up to be happy? If we feel like we have to give it up, then does that thing make us unhappy? How do we feel about compromise? How do we feel about unflinching dedication to either the pursuit of the perfect job, the perfect mate, perfecting a hobby, or donating our time?
I haven’t found the right balance yet. I don’t know that anyone my age has. And I think it’s a lot easier to focus on the things that are a thorn in the side than it is the good things.
Obviously, this man was an extreme example. He went from being homeless, wifeless, and prospectless—then took an UNPAID internship—managed to finagle a job through it, and all the while kept his son. But I don’t know how far I’d go to be “happy”. After all… if I lost William because I wanted some crazy job, or I lost friends because I’m devoted to William, there would be a huge hole in my life. Or if I left a job to make more money but wasn’t doing what I wanted to do. . . I would still be frustrated.
I can see the value in having an imperfect life. Nothing’s always going to be perfect, there’s always something to chase. Sometimes it’s just hard to turn it into a goal to pursue rather than just be frustrated. Or it’s hard to set the boundary.
Or sometimes, it’s easy to know you’re unhappy but not be able to pinpoint what would make it better. Now that I’ve graduated, gotten engaged, gotten a job, what are my next goals? What am I willing to do to get there?
I’m not sure yet.
Still, after all this time, I feel like Winona Ryder in Reality Bites. “How do we repair all the damage that has been done? The answer is, the answer is…I don’t know.”
I thought after awhile I’d be able to stop drawing comparisons to my own life from that movie…I guess it’s just a classic.
Right now, I don’t feel pressured to make the decision. I just want to know where I’m headed.
What I am lucky to know: I have a loving fiancé, supportive friends, a kind and generous family. I have a job in my field, a snuggler of a dog, and a home. Considering the struggles of others, I’m actually in a pretty good spot.
I am a lucky girl. I’m just trying to figure out where to aim next.
William and I watched The Pursuit of Happyness, that Will Smith-and-son movie. I totally thought it would be a good story, couched in Disneyfied terms. After all, he primarily plays to a family-friendly audience, etc. I didn’t bother to check beforehand who produced the movie. Sony Pictures, not Disney. At any rate, I figured it’d be sugarcoated and it’d be a happy ending (since there really was a happy ending in the real life version) and we’d all feel warm and fuzzy and that’d be that.
It was a fantastic movie. But it was so hard to watch. Just sad, sad struggles most of the way through. An intense, stressful process. As William said, “I think that movie gave me an ulcer.” I had to work really hard not to sob—I did cry a bit, but tried not to let it devolve into one of those swollen-eyes-stuffed-nose-can’t-go-out-in-public affairs. Will Smith is great, and the chemistry between he and his real-life son transfers over to the fictional one.
It really got me to thinking about happiness though. I feel like, in the mid-20s, we’re all struggling for the things that we’ve all dreamed of as children, young adults, collegians—our friends, us, and even extending to our families, which range in age quite widely.
What are we willing to give up to be happy? If we feel like we have to give it up, then does that thing make us unhappy? How do we feel about compromise? How do we feel about unflinching dedication to either the pursuit of the perfect job, the perfect mate, perfecting a hobby, or donating our time?
I haven’t found the right balance yet. I don’t know that anyone my age has. And I think it’s a lot easier to focus on the things that are a thorn in the side than it is the good things.
Obviously, this man was an extreme example. He went from being homeless, wifeless, and prospectless—then took an UNPAID internship—managed to finagle a job through it, and all the while kept his son. But I don’t know how far I’d go to be “happy”. After all… if I lost William because I wanted some crazy job, or I lost friends because I’m devoted to William, there would be a huge hole in my life. Or if I left a job to make more money but wasn’t doing what I wanted to do. . . I would still be frustrated.
I can see the value in having an imperfect life. Nothing’s always going to be perfect, there’s always something to chase. Sometimes it’s just hard to turn it into a goal to pursue rather than just be frustrated. Or it’s hard to set the boundary.
Or sometimes, it’s easy to know you’re unhappy but not be able to pinpoint what would make it better. Now that I’ve graduated, gotten engaged, gotten a job, what are my next goals? What am I willing to do to get there?
I’m not sure yet.
Still, after all this time, I feel like Winona Ryder in Reality Bites. “How do we repair all the damage that has been done? The answer is, the answer is…I don’t know.”
I thought after awhile I’d be able to stop drawing comparisons to my own life from that movie…I guess it’s just a classic.
Right now, I don’t feel pressured to make the decision. I just want to know where I’m headed.
What I am lucky to know: I have a loving fiancé, supportive friends, a kind and generous family. I have a job in my field, a snuggler of a dog, and a home. Considering the struggles of others, I’m actually in a pretty good spot.
I am a lucky girl. I’m just trying to figure out where to aim next.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
watch out boy, she'll chew you up!
so what if i don't really feel guilty admitting that i love hall and oates, and that right now i have that song "she's gone...oh-why.. better learn how to face it...she's gone... what went wrong??" in my head?
if i say i don't feel guilty and that my love for the easy-listening duo is completely unabashed.... does that totally discredit my musical snob title? is that so wrong?
if i say i don't feel guilty and that my love for the easy-listening duo is completely unabashed.... does that totally discredit my musical snob title? is that so wrong?
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
wedding day nightmare
oh kids.
i had my first wedding nightmare.
and it was awful.it took me half the day to shake it off.
i dreamed i was in hawaii, but getting married in the most awfullest hotel lobby ever, all done up in maroon paint and this awful, awful rose-patterened wallpaper.
people kept disappearing. the florist never showed. the officiant had a curly, gray mullet. my sister kept wanting to walk down the aisle with these giant pencils in her hands instead of flowers--insisting that "no one will notice!" they were the kind of novelty pencils you get in like second grade with garfield on the side or a map of the united states . . . they're like a foot and a half long and don't fit in regular pencil sharpeners . . . you know the kind.
then i couldn't find my dad. and the organ player started playing "here comes the bride" which will be expressly prohibited from my real wedding and i started to have a meltdown about the song. my dad suddenly appeared and began forcing me down the aisle. my friend had already gone down, and sooz, with her pencil idea, was gone.
i believe it was then that i woke up, covered in sweat.
william was already awake for the day and told me i'd been thrashing like crazy.
another friend tells me it's too early for these dreams--and that there are plenty to come.
great.
i had my first wedding nightmare.
and it was awful.it took me half the day to shake it off.
i dreamed i was in hawaii, but getting married in the most awfullest hotel lobby ever, all done up in maroon paint and this awful, awful rose-patterened wallpaper.
people kept disappearing. the florist never showed. the officiant had a curly, gray mullet. my sister kept wanting to walk down the aisle with these giant pencils in her hands instead of flowers--insisting that "no one will notice!" they were the kind of novelty pencils you get in like second grade with garfield on the side or a map of the united states . . . they're like a foot and a half long and don't fit in regular pencil sharpeners . . . you know the kind.
then i couldn't find my dad. and the organ player started playing "here comes the bride" which will be expressly prohibited from my real wedding and i started to have a meltdown about the song. my dad suddenly appeared and began forcing me down the aisle. my friend had already gone down, and sooz, with her pencil idea, was gone.
i believe it was then that i woke up, covered in sweat.
william was already awake for the day and told me i'd been thrashing like crazy.
another friend tells me it's too early for these dreams--and that there are plenty to come.
great.
100 Things
So, I've been very absent from writing, but mostly because my life has been super busy, but not with the kind of interesting details one usually aims to write about.
But I feel that an update needs to happen.
I think I'm going to do a 100 things, since I'm not feeling like coming up with a story (nor do I have time for a story) right now. I will try to make it an "us" 100 things, but we'll see....in no particular order:
1. we both love the office and laugh hysterically when we watch it. i love john krasinski. i know william thinks jenna fischer is very cute. it's a funny show with no laugh track--awesome.
2. i'm a freak about documentaries. i love them and usually have to do some convincing at the movie store, but william mostly ends up enjoying them too.
3. we both like wine a lot; i prefer white but am getting to like red, william prefers red but tolerates white.
4. william has gotten me, through sheer breakdown of my will, to like approximately three Muse songs.
5. when we get married, we will have four nieces and nephews combined. we like kids.
6. we are planning on getting married next may in hawaii, followed by a backyard reception in june at my sister and brother-in-law's house.
7. we got engaged on december 6, 2006, on ka'anapali beach in maui.
8. william's a saver, i'm a spender.
9. william is currently obsessed with buying a bike.
10. he is also painting a picture of an elephant that's really cool.
11. we love target equally.
12. i am a writer and editor and william is an architect. we both knew since we've been kids these are the careers we wanted.
13. i have a love/hate relationship with pop music. i am embracing my love for kelly clarkson, gwen stefani, pink, justin timberlake, and others now.
14. i still consider myself a music snob.
15. in eighth grade, i made a periodic table of the history of rock.
16. my mom helped. she's also a music lover.
17. i am also currently obsessed with old soul and r&b music.
18. i write about beauty and get free products in the mail to try.
19. we both want to travel the world.
20. we agree on almost all political viewpoints. i would call myself a super-left liberal. i am excited to see a new person in office.
21. i once said that if hillary ever ran for president, i would quit my job and campaign for her.
22. that was before i realized how important job security is.
23. but i think i'd still campaign for her. my only hangup is her 'don't ask, don't tell' stand on abortion.
24. william and i both have been talking a lot about how to reduce our environmental footprint and are interested in green living.
25. i feel better about myself because i buy earth-friendly cleaning products.
26. i'm a sucker for animals--anything with fur or feathers.
27. i'm terrified of spiders, beetles, centipedes, and other bugs. sometimes i have nightmares about them.
28. i also love candles.
29. i love old-school pop, too, like madonna, michael jackson, et. al.
30. michael jackson was my imaginary friend when i was little. i remember seeing him moonwalk on tv for the first time.
31. i dont' know if william had imaginary friends.
32. he was obsessed with legos as a child.
33. we are both the youngest child in our family, with big gaps in age between siblings.
34. i can play about four chords on the guitar, and at that, badly. i wish i could magically know how to play. and it would be a lot better if i could sing.
35. i own a guitar and it has a cedar top, which means it smells good and sounds 'warm'.
36. william just showed photos in the local art crawl and he is very good at taking photos. also my brother showed photos, and his are equally amazing.
37. william loves seinfeld. i love listening to him laugh.
38. my left shoulder constantly hurts. i have bad posture. i love massages.
39. i am a feminist. i think william is one too.
40. i am a freak about beauty products: eyeshadow, lotion, eye cream, hair stuff, you name it. i've always been that way.
41. i have trouble throwing things away.
42. i love to read.
43. i have anxiety dreams a lot.
44. i am not a morning person.
45. i was in marching band and played tennis in high school.
46. william is a morning person.
47. he was the captain of the engineering and math teams. he also ran cross country.
48. as you can probably tell, we are big nerds.
49. we love asian food.
50. i love people. for the most part.
51. i spent m ost of my summers as a kid at my parents' cabin. it's still one of my favorite places in the world.
52. our loft, which we've been living in for about a year, now feels like home.
53. when i was little, my voice was so high i would make my grandpa's hearing aid make feedback noises. thankfully, it dropped.
54. i only have one grandma left.
55. i think of my other grandma as my style icon.
56. i think of my parents as really wise friends.
57. i get along very well with william's parents. william also gets along with mine.
58. i want to learn to knit.
59. someday i'd love to work from home full time.
60. i think i want kids. then i see teenagers. then i'm not so sure. no, i do want kids.
61. so does william.
62. i am a perfectionist and i get easily hung up on small things.
63. i love dr pepper.
64. william has traveled all over the place: india, the netherlands/europe, japan, and more.
65. i wish i'd known him then so i could have gone with him.
66. i like my eyes.
67. i like william's better.
68. i am the girl that drags her boy into a candle store and makes him smell everything and yells enthusiastically when i find a great scent.
69. both william and i love midcentury modern stuff.
70. we also love art crawls and museums and stuff like that.
71. i want to take ballroom dance classes.
72. william and i went to the same high school, our lockers were five apart, and we had friends in common, yet never spoke a word to each other until about two or three years ago.
73. now we are crazy about each other.
74. i am excited to get married.
75. we like to come up with little projects for ourselves; paintings, photos, shopping for the right thing for our place.
76. we also try to do too much.
78. i cry easily.
79. i hate that.
80. i think it's pretty safe to say we both have champagne taste on a beer budget.
81. we could both stand to be neater people.
82. it seems that whenever we put our heads together for something, we get dumber. is this a bad sign?
83. william is really observant and picks up on small body language cues or tones of voice.
84. he also tries to teach me to not be SUCH a people-pleaser and please myself more often.
85. i'm not afraid of getting older. i am afraid of disease, loneliness, and failure.
86. i'm not sure what william is afraid of.
87. we had a protracted battle over what toothpaste flavor and brand is better: cinnamon or mint. i believe we will be buying mint toothpaste from now on.
88. william makes me laugh with his voices and sound effects.
89. we are also good at annoying each other, already.
90. i think we'd both like to be better cooks.
91. we are proud of our awesome vintage finds for our place.
92. molly has become a huge part of our lives, for good or for bad.
93. william summed it up the other day to molly: "i'm really glad i got you, even though you're a big pain."
94. we love her so much, it's ridiculous.
95. we'd like to adopt a pair of cockapoos the next time around so they can keep each other company.
96. i can't draw; william's insanely artistic.
97. we already finish each other's sentences and thoughts.
98. i can make william giggle.
99. we were definitely missing a piece of our lives before we met each other.
100. we look forward to a long life together.
But I feel that an update needs to happen.
I think I'm going to do a 100 things, since I'm not feeling like coming up with a story (nor do I have time for a story) right now. I will try to make it an "us" 100 things, but we'll see....in no particular order:
1. we both love the office and laugh hysterically when we watch it. i love john krasinski. i know william thinks jenna fischer is very cute. it's a funny show with no laugh track--awesome.
2. i'm a freak about documentaries. i love them and usually have to do some convincing at the movie store, but william mostly ends up enjoying them too.
3. we both like wine a lot; i prefer white but am getting to like red, william prefers red but tolerates white.
4. william has gotten me, through sheer breakdown of my will, to like approximately three Muse songs.
5. when we get married, we will have four nieces and nephews combined. we like kids.
6. we are planning on getting married next may in hawaii, followed by a backyard reception in june at my sister and brother-in-law's house.
7. we got engaged on december 6, 2006, on ka'anapali beach in maui.
8. william's a saver, i'm a spender.
9. william is currently obsessed with buying a bike.
10. he is also painting a picture of an elephant that's really cool.
11. we love target equally.
12. i am a writer and editor and william is an architect. we both knew since we've been kids these are the careers we wanted.
13. i have a love/hate relationship with pop music. i am embracing my love for kelly clarkson, gwen stefani, pink, justin timberlake, and others now.
14. i still consider myself a music snob.
15. in eighth grade, i made a periodic table of the history of rock.
16. my mom helped. she's also a music lover.
17. i am also currently obsessed with old soul and r&b music.
18. i write about beauty and get free products in the mail to try.
19. we both want to travel the world.
20. we agree on almost all political viewpoints. i would call myself a super-left liberal. i am excited to see a new person in office.
21. i once said that if hillary ever ran for president, i would quit my job and campaign for her.
22. that was before i realized how important job security is.
23. but i think i'd still campaign for her. my only hangup is her 'don't ask, don't tell' stand on abortion.
24. william and i both have been talking a lot about how to reduce our environmental footprint and are interested in green living.
25. i feel better about myself because i buy earth-friendly cleaning products.
26. i'm a sucker for animals--anything with fur or feathers.
27. i'm terrified of spiders, beetles, centipedes, and other bugs. sometimes i have nightmares about them.
28. i also love candles.
29. i love old-school pop, too, like madonna, michael jackson, et. al.
30. michael jackson was my imaginary friend when i was little. i remember seeing him moonwalk on tv for the first time.
31. i dont' know if william had imaginary friends.
32. he was obsessed with legos as a child.
33. we are both the youngest child in our family, with big gaps in age between siblings.
34. i can play about four chords on the guitar, and at that, badly. i wish i could magically know how to play. and it would be a lot better if i could sing.
35. i own a guitar and it has a cedar top, which means it smells good and sounds 'warm'.
36. william just showed photos in the local art crawl and he is very good at taking photos. also my brother showed photos, and his are equally amazing.
37. william loves seinfeld. i love listening to him laugh.
38. my left shoulder constantly hurts. i have bad posture. i love massages.
39. i am a feminist. i think william is one too.
40. i am a freak about beauty products: eyeshadow, lotion, eye cream, hair stuff, you name it. i've always been that way.
41. i have trouble throwing things away.
42. i love to read.
43. i have anxiety dreams a lot.
44. i am not a morning person.
45. i was in marching band and played tennis in high school.
46. william is a morning person.
47. he was the captain of the engineering and math teams. he also ran cross country.
48. as you can probably tell, we are big nerds.
49. we love asian food.
50. i love people. for the most part.
51. i spent m ost of my summers as a kid at my parents' cabin. it's still one of my favorite places in the world.
52. our loft, which we've been living in for about a year, now feels like home.
53. when i was little, my voice was so high i would make my grandpa's hearing aid make feedback noises. thankfully, it dropped.
54. i only have one grandma left.
55. i think of my other grandma as my style icon.
56. i think of my parents as really wise friends.
57. i get along very well with william's parents. william also gets along with mine.
58. i want to learn to knit.
59. someday i'd love to work from home full time.
60. i think i want kids. then i see teenagers. then i'm not so sure. no, i do want kids.
61. so does william.
62. i am a perfectionist and i get easily hung up on small things.
63. i love dr pepper.
64. william has traveled all over the place: india, the netherlands/europe, japan, and more.
65. i wish i'd known him then so i could have gone with him.
66. i like my eyes.
67. i like william's better.
68. i am the girl that drags her boy into a candle store and makes him smell everything and yells enthusiastically when i find a great scent.
69. both william and i love midcentury modern stuff.
70. we also love art crawls and museums and stuff like that.
71. i want to take ballroom dance classes.
72. william and i went to the same high school, our lockers were five apart, and we had friends in common, yet never spoke a word to each other until about two or three years ago.
73. now we are crazy about each other.
74. i am excited to get married.
75. we like to come up with little projects for ourselves; paintings, photos, shopping for the right thing for our place.
76. we also try to do too much.
78. i cry easily.
79. i hate that.
80. i think it's pretty safe to say we both have champagne taste on a beer budget.
81. we could both stand to be neater people.
82. it seems that whenever we put our heads together for something, we get dumber. is this a bad sign?
83. william is really observant and picks up on small body language cues or tones of voice.
84. he also tries to teach me to not be SUCH a people-pleaser and please myself more often.
85. i'm not afraid of getting older. i am afraid of disease, loneliness, and failure.
86. i'm not sure what william is afraid of.
87. we had a protracted battle over what toothpaste flavor and brand is better: cinnamon or mint. i believe we will be buying mint toothpaste from now on.
88. william makes me laugh with his voices and sound effects.
89. we are also good at annoying each other, already.
90. i think we'd both like to be better cooks.
91. we are proud of our awesome vintage finds for our place.
92. molly has become a huge part of our lives, for good or for bad.
93. william summed it up the other day to molly: "i'm really glad i got you, even though you're a big pain."
94. we love her so much, it's ridiculous.
95. we'd like to adopt a pair of cockapoos the next time around so they can keep each other company.
96. i can't draw; william's insanely artistic.
97. we already finish each other's sentences and thoughts.
98. i can make william giggle.
99. we were definitely missing a piece of our lives before we met each other.
100. we look forward to a long life together.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)