It's So Hard to Say Goodbye...

This morning, I got up at 5 a.m. I showered, put on my makeup, and got dressed in the dark, so that Wm could sleep til our usual wakeup time.

It felt like a normal day, except it was early, and I was going to say goodbye to my best friend.

About two and a half years ago, C and I sent the Kilipino, our other best friend, off to South America, to join the Peace Corps. It was the hardest thing I'd had to do with my friends, to see one of them get on a plane and know that definitively, our lives diverged at this point. We were here, she was there.

And it doesn't matter how supportive you feel and excited you are for that person--you still have that corner of your heart that feels sad. And it's for multiple reasons: one, you're not going along for the adventure; two, you know that things will not be the same. The rest of the reasons just sort of spiderweb out from that and are small but sting all the same--your friendship just doesn't have the same immediacy when you can't dial up the phone and talk about the latest. We'll have a twelve-hour time difference between us.

It doesn't even mean it's all bad; but no one can remain unchanged, and we're all moving forward at a different pace, or on a different path, with our life plans. A little reminder that we're all growing up.

Last spring, C told me that she was going to go to Thailand for a semester to teach. After the total shock wore off, I rallied into excitement mode. The rest of the year was spent in preparation; helping myself get used to the idea, starting to plan a trip to visit, and keeping her spirits up if ever they faltered.

But still, even though I've been in this place before, in an airport, crying, knowing this person will be chasing their dreams ... it was hard. it was hard to say goodbye, even if it's just a "pause." Even if it's just a couple of months -- and haven't I been talking about how fast time has been going lately? I had convinced myself that this goodbye would not be difficult. It would be joyous and I would say the right thing and feel just fine afterwards. But after waving at her one last time as she walked through security, I had a tough time reining in the tears. OK, I cried. A lot.

This is a friend who extends far past the term friend. When you've been close for more than twenty years, that person is your chosen family. We know nearly all the things about each other there is to know--for instance, when she said last night, "I never sleep the night before flying." I said "I know," and shot her a pointed look--indeed, we've shared that before our own trips together. We laughed then.

We grew up just three short blocks from each other; we began playing together as soon as our parents would let us cross the busy street by ourselves. We met each other halfway each time; indeed, people must have seen us walking the neighborhood daily. We rode bikes, our hair blowing out straight behind us, transitioning from little kids in terrycloth shorts to teenagers, from corduroys to flannel shirts and Doc Martens, braces and too-skinny bodies, secrets and rumors, drivers' licenses and boyfriends, dance clubs and library research, high school graduation and college graduation, plus all the challenges life tends to throw your way once in a while, just to see if you're still paying attention.

There have been a million transitions we've faced together, and always come out the other side. This challenge will be no different. But I'm here and she's there. She hasn't even touched down in Bangkok yet, but I already miss her. My little friend group has dispersed; they're there and Im here. Things will feel just a little emptier while she's gone.

Stories

I caught up with a source today--someone I spent a lot of time with before my layoff. Together with her cooperation, I wrote the most important story I've ever written.

Tonight we just had tea and I dropped off some of her photos and some extra copies of the magazine she appeared in. We talked about politics, her community, what's sh'es been doing, what I've been doing. It was lovely.

And as I left, I had the same thought I've had over time, but I felt it more strongly tonight: I want to write good stories. REALLY GOOD stories. Stories about different cultures, about different lives, stories that change the way people see life. Even if it's a miniscule shift. I'm not expecting a Nobel Prize overnight. But I need to write stories people care about. I need to write stories I care about. I need to write stories that shape the world, whatever the size.

I need to find a way to do it.

Maxin'

There hasn't been much downtime around the Willikat household in the last few months.

We have had multiple weddings, friends giving birth (two more tonight!), and side projects going on...

One super positive thing is that William has been contacted by a very popular local store, and they will be carrying some of his work! How awesome is that? but it's been a lot of work to get there, and a lot of work to finish so they can finally go on the shelf.

I'm juggling a couple of different assignments myself, plus preparing myself for my best friend's departure to Thailand next Monday. Then there's meeting with an old source to give her the magazine she appeared in and her old photos. The friend I need to visit in the hospital. Yoga and dance classes. A wedding. A birthday party. Errands.

It leaves so little time for organization, contemplation, writing, my family, myself.

This is like month four of this kind of schedule. I kept thinking it was going to slow down eventually, but I think it's not. Because...here come the holidays! It already snowed four inches today. Good lord. With still-green leaves on the trees.

I'm really wondering how to keep myself from constantly feeling like a hamster on the wheel and running behind--even though many of those things are good things. HALP!

We're Gonna Win Twins

My god, what a baseball game.

I have a rocky relationship with sports. Most of them I don't like. I'm not good at sports. I hate most athletes.

But I have always loved the Twins. Tonight they proved exactly why. What a nailbiter of a game. So clutch.

Now David faces Goliath in NYC tomorrow.

Our little underdogs. Happy sigh.

Freeze Out

So, our building has to turn on our heat. We can't do it ourselves. Typically this happens around October 15. Usually it's warm 'til then
Not this year.
Compounding the problem, we live on the north side of the building. We have two walls that are pure brick (not insulated) and one wall has three nearly floor-to-ceiling windows.
It's been 39 degrees at night.
It's only been like 60, at most, usually cooler, during the day.
It's been damp and dark.
Our plants are dying.
It's freezing in here.
Calls to the management have been basically ignored. We are undergoing a management switch, and since they don't have to LIVE HERE they are probably not putting heat high up on the list. But I bet the heat's on in THEIR HOMES.
And the bass. I am being battered by bass on all sides with neighbors lately. It's like water torture. Thud, thud, thud boring holes through my skull.
DAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

If Wishes Were Horses

Some things I wish:

I wish that no animal would ever be mistreated.
I wish that no human, especially no child, would ever be made to feel small or worthless.
I wish that people had more joy in their lives; they wouldn't feel the need to be jealous or petty or untruthful.
I wish I had time to read all the books I want to read and write all of the things I want to write.
I wish I had more clarity and resolve.
I wish Hawaii was not a half a country and a huge ocean away.
I wish it wasn't an uphill battle to let everyone live and love the way they want, with healthcare they need and the family they choose, and the safety and stability to flourish.
Well, frankly, if I'm wishing for things, let's wish for some cash flow to shop -- and share -- with others.
I wish for polar bears to have enough ice and for tropical plants to have enough rain.
I wish for a kickass, long-lived career.
I wish for a Ph.D.
I wish for happiness and good health for my family and friends.
I wish for cancer and Alzheimer's and Parkinson's and ALS and alcoholism and depression and all those awful diseases to be eradicated from the Earth.
I wish that no matter how many times the horse bucks me off, I have the courage to get back on.

One thing I wished for, and got:
The love of my life.

One thing I wished for, and didn't get: Patience.

What are some of your wishes?

We Interrupt Your Regular Programming With This Breaking News

Mercury is no longer in retrograde.

So...catastrophes, miscommunications, electronic mishaps, and all chaos caused by this phenomenon must now be over.

I know you feel better about this.

Carry on.