crazy life

hi kids.
this has been a crazy week again. working a lot, and running around a lot at night too. it's the fast-track to exhaustion. really. it gets to the end of the night and i'm tired and braindead.
this weekend there's more stuff, a big event for work and an out-of-town wedding, so excuse the lack of post-age. i will try the next couple days though. although i'm not that interesting right now.
we put half the money down on our ceremony and photgraphy in maui though. i can't believe we're really going to do it. maui! i'm getting married in maui! weird. it's a big thing to look forward to when things are so stressful in other areas of my life. if i have a really bad day, i look up images on google of hawaii and i'm transported to the happy place. :) otherwise i call friends, talk to william, or just go to bed. i have been having trouble fallnig asleep before midnight lately. that's bad. i need a lot of sleep.
ok, enough with the boringness of my daily asinine thoughts. here's a post i was working on, and wanted to work on more, but if i continue to work on it, it will never get posted.

Things I Am Afraid Of (not ranked):
1. bugs
2. spiders
3. centipedes
4. bugs
5. snakes
6. Actually, I have a saying “no fur, no feathers, no good”
7. The ghost activities at my parents’ house
8. people I know dying or being sick
9. failure
10. loneliness
11. change
12. sometimes I’m afraid of getting over my anxieties because then what do I do? I know that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. But fears are not rational.
13. feeling helpless
14. when I open my trunk, something scary/bad will be in there. This is only sometimes.
15. When it’s dark and you turn off the tv and it glows. Hate that. Something is coming out of that screen.
16. Car accidents
17. One particular scene from the exorcist, but not the whole movie
18. I get claustrophobic when shirts get stuck on, especially in dressing rooms. It induces this stupid panic that I know is ridiculous but happens nonetheless.
19. Childrens’ loss of innocence.
20. Mediocrity
21. Presidential hijacking of power
22. Global warming
23. Not doing things because I’m too scared/intimidated—usually I find I love those things if I can open myself up to them enough.
24. Clowns
25. flying

Things I am not afraid of (also not ranked):
1. public speaking
2. loving people
3. heights (as long as I am on a stable surface, which I consider rollercoasters a stable surface)
4. I can put myself in my “journalist mode” and approach people at bars, on sidewalks, or cold calls and talk away—people I’d maybe even never approach personally. If I am not in journalist mode, I sometimes have to work to get myself there to do it.
5. Bats (as long as they’re outside)
6. Getting married
7. Writing personal things that people read
8. Most scary movies (except Halloween films and that one scene mentioned above)


I spend a lot of time with my neuroses. I nurse them, enable them, fret about them. I fret about fretting.

I have been a worrier since day one. I don’t know why. I’ve gotten much better over the years—and have gotten over some fears—but still many anxieties linger, and I’ve developed some new, healthy-sized ones. I’ve always wished I could worry less. I’ve always wished I could confront change without fear—even with welcoming arms. I have wished on occasions that I could get over it so that I could try something or do something, and I’ve let it hold me back. I am not one of these people that believes if you are afraid of spiders, you have to let them crawl on you to get over it. That would just induce a complete and total meltdown. I have suffered panic attacks. I have allowed small things to get me really down. I am a very sensitive person.

As time has worn on, though, I’ve given myself permission to be that way. We’re all hardwired, in a sense, to be our personalities. And that permission has allowed me to get over certain anxieties without even realizing it… they’ve just vanished into the ether. Still, it sometimes invokes a melancholy, a frustration, too much thought. And regret.

After I finished school, which was the one thing I thought I was really good at, I wondered what was next. What else can I overachieve at? (I don’t care that there’s a dangling preposition there.) I still haven’t figured it out. What are my next steps?

I would like to:

Take ballroom dance classes
Take cooking classes
Plant a garden
Write a book
Get published in a national magazine
Play guitar well
Do more crafty things
Learn to knit
Travel the world (Iceland, China, Thailand, somewhere in Africa, Poland, Ireland, Belize, Russia, Spain, and yes, Jennie, Paraguay)
Be a good money manager
Live joyfully and in the moment
Take more time to appreciate what I have than think about the what-ifs and should-haves
Enjoy my accomplishments (I must have some, right?) and help people enjoy theirs
Feel helpful
Make people feel good
Be a good dog-mom
Make more killer CD mixes ( I love doing this but haven’t had a lot of time lately)
Have more energy
Never regret
Like exercise

Sorry for the list form. I just don’t have the energy/creativity to actually write a story that shows, rather than tells. Forgive me.